Beyond Last Call

Non Sequitur Smiley

2010-10-22T20:00:00.001-04:00

Again, I just can't sit on certain things. Mother fuckin Spider-Man. In Japan. Yes. I'm just as disturbed as you.

Non Sequitur Smiley

2010-09-28T18:28:00.005-04:00

What does it mean that I throw up one of these lil buggers every once and a while? It means I'm tryin', Doc. Tryin' real hard.Just so happens that I'm too busy and whenever I get an actual article together, I either can't put it together or it just kinda loses steam. Also, this is just to prove to all the women I am currently lying to about being a "nationally renowned writer" and "featured dick-joke columnist at a off kilter website" wrong. If they remember the name of this website after downing 2 to 4 of those GHB-52s they won't call me a liar. (side note: rape is never funny. Except clown rape, but that's a WHOLE other thing).

Anyway, amazing ad-libbing heightened by the snap editing. Highlights include: "Bitch, you strip all night." "There's some cool bitches at this muthafucka and check this out; they all got low self esteem" Classic. It's a damn video, so just watch and enjoy. Don't concern yourself with these words... penis.

Louis CK for FREE!!!!

2010-09-21T21:02:00.003-04:00

Hey, loyals. Anyway, I have a RANDOM fan following me (feel free to stalk/murder me if you get a wild hair) and wanted to say what's up. Though he prolly just followed in a pretty off the wall state. If we can get to 10 followers, I'm throwin a pizza party, Be-LEE-Dat. Anyway, Couldn't sit around and wait for inspiration to NOT hit me for another second, so I give to you my favorite comedian, Louis CK. Did you miss Chewed Up? Yet to see his classic HBO comedy half hour? Well, be the first on your block to view Hilarious in it's entirety by giving a BS email to this site. Louis CK, everyone. For free. Tell me if it is good, cause I'm not gonna spoil his Oct 7th date for Indianapolis that I am going to.

Non Sequitur Smiley

2010-07-31T16:48:00.002-04:00

My friend who is prone to getting me awesome birthday gifts got me a pretty awesome T-shirt for my birthday this year. A Beets Killer Tofu tour tee. I wore said shirt out to grab a drink and a man on the street got it. It kinda floored me. The 90's had a certain look and feel to them, dramatically different from the 00's. So, it's official, the 90's are now retro-chic. Not everything from the decade and not anything later than, say, 1995 (as of now), but just looking back at things from way back when, it is mindfreaking me.One of our worst fads given to the world in that era was the game of POGS (milk caps being the generic name). That craze was unrivaled and my friends and I, who try to stay away from fads because of how stupid you'll look down the road (in the case of POGS, two weeks later), even got in on that. My collection of random POGS is probably lying in the basement at my parents house somewhere. Anyway, the game sucked, but was everywhere for a while, including a Saturday morning cartoon, though, unless you were a kid of the 80's or 90's, you don't know what Saturday morning cartoons are about either. Thanks to Everythingisterrible.com for digging up this awfully hillarious gem. How many times can they say "Slammer" in a 1/2 hour show? Bitchin' intro song tho.

NSS: AAWWWW F@#K Yeah!

2010-07-30T19:28:00.003-04:00

We interrupt your dailies for this mind melting little wikipedia gem. If you ever needed to know the exact details of the events of Warren G's song Regulators (Mount Up!!), then here ya go. Awesomeness.

5 Movies only good for one thing

2010-07-28T22:32:00.006-04:00

Any leading lady in today's Hollywood scene would have you believe that she is a generation-spanning talent that has put in hard work and dragged herself from obscurity to superstardom by being hungry and by being patient. Those things that we common folk refer to as "luck" and "being a pretty face" have nothing to do with their rise to the top. And if you are Maggie Gyllenhaal, that is absolutely true.

Now, I'm not saying that these 5 ladies are any less talented because they took a fairly flimsy movie premise and squeezed out a thin excuse for them to sell sex and get paid more money than Steve Jobs has in his swimming pools. I'm just saying that these girls accepted roles in these movies knowing they were a few Powerpoint-style scene transitions away from late night Cinemax. These five movies are otherwise awful movies that have nothing else going for them besides the words "and then she sticks an ice cube down her pants and begins to simulate an orgasm" planted somewhere in the script. Set your DVR, watch the best scene, turn the TV off, and move on with your life, cause the rest ain't worth it. Better yet, I've compiled them for you, so watch them here and then go kick a soccer ball around or something.

Powder Blue: Jessica Biel is a stripper

I again would like to point out to my hater friend (who insists that Miss Biel is a lesbian) that Jessica Biel is hot. She can be kind of "Plain Jane" in the sense that she doesn't stick with you like all the other girls, but c'mon. This girl is no rookie when it comes to milking her hotness, as evidenced by the completely unnecessary shower scene in Blade:Trinity. In Powder Blue, Biel once again flaunts her sexuality by taking a role as a stripper. Now, a movie in which the main character is a stripper wouldn't automatically make it a movie exclusively for 16 year olds boys (case in point: The Closer), but when it's basically a bunch of drama cliches laid on top of crotch shots, you can't really ignore it.

Havoc: Anne Hathaway is a bad grrl

Ok, I will have to start out by saying this movie ended up sorta working to Hataway's benefit. Havoc was a 2005 movie which was reviewed as "nothing that you haven't seen before. And better" (It's about rich kids being enamored with the fast life). Hathaway opted for this role as her career window was rapidly shutting, about to confine her to Disney fluff hell forever. Like most girls in this situation, she went waaay left field and landed a role where she shows some skin and pretends to have orgasms (which is any woman who's been din a relationship for more than 3 months. Amirite, fellas???). While she wasn't particularly mind blowing in the role, she was good enough to shed the image of just being the girl from The Princess Diaries. Too bad Hilary Duff wasn't able to do the same.

The House Bunny: Anna Faris is a Playboy bunny

There are plenty of reasons to hate on this movie. Most of which come from the fact that this is an Adam Sandler production. Overall, this flick is just another vehicle for an actress, capturing what Anna Faris does best: playing a rather ditzy piece of debateably stroke-worthy, debateably funny eye-candy. Those with a white-hot Faris obsession need look no further. This is just her running around in skimpy outfits with a scene of bare-assedness thrown in for good measure. Big ups to Faris for actually showing off her own ass (the double had "issues"). I respect comic actors that go the big for the sake of the joke.

Jennifer's Body: Pretty much Megan Fox is Hot: The Movie

At the time when the world was (is?) obsessed with Megan Fox, scripts, money, and giant teddy bears (presumably with maniacal stalkers housed within) were being thrown at her. At one point, she just gave in and did a movie that was nothing but gratuitous ass shots. Meh, not a big loss as Megan Fox is pretty much just another pretty face without a talented bone in her body. Everyboy (typo, but I'm leaving it) knew what was gonna go down in this one: Megan Fox as a cheerleader, Megan Fox make out scenes, Megan Fox in her underwear. However, throw in a nerdy Amanda Seyfried, who isn't opposed to doing getting down, in the mix and you get the hottest scene of the movie.

A Killer Inside Me: Casey Affleck gets to do naughty things to Jessica Alba

For the record, the good part occurs at 0:46 but there is a lot going on in this trailer. Jessica Alba gets punched around, Kate Hudson gets sexily choked out, Affleck puts out a cigar on a dude's hand, and quite a bit of boning. So, Casey Affleck aggressively spanking Jessica Alba (and her reveling in it, no less) is just the lettuce of this murder/insanity/aggressive fingering sandwich.

Oh so many omissions from this list. Most because the scenes occurred in good movies, former pop stars that were forced to do nude so they would at least show up on the third page of a Google search, and some not even worth it to see the actress you had a crush on when you were 17 gratuitously lather herself in a coed shower with no stalls (that's how it is in real life, right?)
I'm insane and otherwise finished...

-BLC

New Music!!!

2010-07-26T23:13:00.003-04:00

Ok, yeah, it's been a while. There's a story, but it's far too intense for this blog. Seriously, it's like doo-doo in the microwave... it just doesn't belong (Oh... no one around to get the extent of that joke).

I cannot stop playing this video entitled Round of Applause by the British DJs The Nextmen. It speaks for itself, so I am not gonna weigh it down with words. If you like it, dig on this one too. Feel free to prove me wrong, but I doubt you can find any of their albums stateside unless you are in a BIIIG market. Improving oneself takes a toll, so no writing till I get I get feeling back in my buttocks. Enjoy some music and later, bitches.

Motivational Posters v3

2009-12-27T20:19:00.004-05:00

No one ever believes you when you say: it's retarded. That's insensitive to the mentally handicapped, but I don't think I give a damn. I think that is why I have this blog: cause life is incredibly funny. Infuriating, but funny. You have to laugh at it sometimes. Anyway, arguing with with Jason Statham about the logic of the Crank movies is retarded.

-BLC

On the third day of Christmas

2009-12-22T02:19:00.008-05:00

"Dark clouds hangin all around, I try to pick myself up but I keep fallin down" ~ Swollen Members.

Yes, I know that this is technically a day late, cause I just realized it after the day was basically over and didn't post till late, but it's still just as shitty.
Anyway, if you didn't know, December 21 was the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year and one that reflects pretty much all that sucks in the world. I also have a particular opposition to this day, because of something in the fucking heavens (apparently, Mercury being in retrograde is particularly shitty for me. Ugh). I wanted to do something cool for this day, but I couldn't find something that was just right. I opted for this promo from the Discovery Channel. It has the right message for a day with the most darkness. Also, they played it ad nauseum during the Mythbusters marathon this Thanksgiving, so, I have some positive associations with it. Listen to it and tell me you won't be saying "Boom de Yada" all day at work.

-BLC

The sounds of the Season

2009-12-20T19:32:00.007-05:00

The top brass at Bottoms Up Entertainment once remarked "it took an embarrassing amount of time to create [this]". I don't know why I used the brackets cause it is just a paraphrase. Point is, I have had it in my head to throw down for a mix the last 12 days of Christmas. I figured I'd knock it out in about 20 minutes in between commercial breaks of Malibu's Most Wanted, which, confoundingly, holds a lot of sentimental value. This took up half my day and that is primarily because p2p sharers are no longer full of viruses, corrupt files, and morons. Even so, I still didn't get the entirety of the songs I wanted for you, but fuck you. Enjoy this. I worked a lot harder than the quality of the finished product indicates.

I tried to give you a bit of everything and tried not to repeat so much: styles, songs, artists, or otherwise. You get some regular classics sung by some classic voices, some fun ones that are woven into the fabric of the holidays, and there's some new age stuff that you may not have heard. Let it be known that if you like an artist, look into them more. Due to not repeating, I had to sacrifice certain tracks, so you may not get the "best" or the one you'd expect. One last point I realized while doing all this, my true love really sucks at getting presents, cause until the fifth day, all she gives me is birds. Just occurred to me.

O Tannenbaum - Vince Guaraldi
Walking in a Winter Wonderland - Amy Grant
Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer - The Temptations
God Rest Ye Merry Gentle Men - Barenaked Ladies ft. Sarah McLachlan
Oy Chanukah, Oy Chanukah - Klezmer Conservatory Band
Mele Kalikimaka - Bing Crosby
Please Come Home for Christmas - Charles Brown
My Favorite Peanuts - Mike Relm
The Christmas Song - Alvin and the Chipmunks
Christmas in Hollis - Run DMC
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Nat "King" Cole
Wizards in Winter - Trans Siberian Orchestra
12 Days of Christmas - Straight No Chaser
This Christmas - Donnie Hathaway
All I Want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey
Blue Christmas - Elvis Presley
Let it Snow - Boyz II Men
Sleigh Ride Remix - Chadicious
Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy - Tchaikovsky
Carol of the Bells - Vienna Boys Choir

Download Now!

In addition to all of this, here is the Gap Commercial from all the way back in 1998 (can you believe that the Gap has been doing it's current advertising format for over ten years?) This song does not exist outside of the 30 seconds in this commercial and it still sits as one of my favorite sounds of the season. Thankfully, the Chadicious track on the mix actually is a nice filler for another ad named "sleigh ride" that came out the same year.

Bonus #2: I got nostalgic for Gap ads, so here is the "Khaki Swing" ad from 1998. Lindy hop and bullet time. Fun!

We interrupt regularly scheduled Holiday nonsense

2009-12-18T02:04:00.004-05:00

Cause I just came in my knickers. No one KNOWS how much I loved Iron Man. I have been waiting with baited breath for Iron Man 2. The trailer is out and it literally just blew my balls off. Take a look and note these exciting things/facts:

As I stated in a previous post, Hollywood assumes the average movie patron can't tell black people apart.

Myself alongside Jackie Chan at the Annual Rhubarb Festival in Intercourse, Pennsylvania
After an embarrassing amount of viewings of Major League II, it dawned on me that the character of Willie "Mays" Hayes was played by Omar Epps, which was totally NOT the case in the OG Major League. That role was played by Wesley Snipes (In my defense, I was like, 7 and I only saw the OG, like twice as opposed to ML2 which I saw 300 times). Omar Epps could be a stunt double for quite a few people, including Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin, but using him as a stand in for Snipes just cause the colors (sorta) match is like wrecking your father's silver BMW and painting a BMW badge on a koala, sticking it in the garage and hoping he won't notice. Similarly, The Matrix did the same thing with the character of the Oracle, but that was because the original Oracle died (also stated in a previous post). In the Iron Man franchise, Terrance Howard has moved on to do The Princess and the Frog thing because he demanded too much money. Somewhere, right this very moment, Jefferson Davis is spinning in his grave. Don Cheadle (who, on a sheer physical level, was a terrible, terrible choice) has been chosen to replace him. I guess we'll just have to watch and see if it works out.

Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark just being PIMP.

Scarlett Johansson as the Black Widow. For me, Scarlett is really pushing that top spot of most beautiful girl in the world. I mean, add all this up: A sexy Commie spy, in black leather, kicking ass with dark red hair (well that last one isn't like a thing of mine, but still worth a note). All we really see of her in the trailer is her crawling around. Good enough for me. Very few things could make that woman any more fuego.

Very few.

Mickey Rourke as Whiplash. Let's be honest, Iron Man is not the most well known of superheroes. Hence why he got on for a movie after Ghost Rider AND Steel. One reason why Iron Man isn't cooler is because he lacks a decent foil. His Archenemy is the Mandarin. Seriously. Like, a guy who's powers center mainly upon being reading books from right to left and being Asian. Also in his stable are Fin Fang Foom and the menacing Whiplash.

It was gonna take quite the re-imagining to give this character less of a guy-you'd-see-at-gay-Zorro-themed-S&M-party vibe and more of a hardass feel, but the new duds and the fact that it is Mickey Rourke did the trick.

Click it and love the new trailer. Only half a year away.

On the tenth day of Christmas

2009-12-15T18:30:00.003-05:00

Well, here is something fun I discovered. Thanks to mi cunyada, I am now a follower of Scrubs. Much as I thought I'd dislike it, I have to say it is right up my alley. And for the record, when I catch it and it isn't being pimped, I find The Office really funny, too. I was pretty jazzed to discover this little Youtube video from a few years back throwing the entire cast (even the minor characters) in the plot of "A Charlie Brown Christmas". This is not just a redub, it is more like a reimagining of the story. If ya halfway enjoy Scrubs, give this a look. It's a fun little pro-bono treat for ya.

I give up

2009-12-08T23:04:00.004-05:00

I wanted to get more shit rollin before we hit the holiday season. As I was working hard on things, I just kinda turned into a prick. It's a tough job, but drinking on a stoop and insulting women is kind of a 24 hour a day job. That being said, I have given up in many respects. One of which is holding off on the Christmas cheer. I have turned the radio station at my work to the Christmas all day station (which makes for some really odd stares when I make the "up yours" motion to little old ladies while the dogs that sing Jingle Bells plays in the background) and I'm all about starting up with the good will towards men/red and white all over/buying some shit that I have needed for about 6 months on crazy sale at Meijer. So, I am just gonna throw some Christmas related goodies at you this month, cause I can. I think a good place to start (and it gives you some time to see all of them) is a collection of 200+ Christmas and TV movie specials. Yeah, all those ones you remember from the days when Christmas was magical and you wish they would play again. Never count on NBC to do anything. I deliver for you bitches. These two posts are from as far back as 07, so many of the links don't work (and some are inexplicably in Russian). So instead of trying to use MY discretion about what you want, I will just give you the links to the page and let you decide. I know you, like me, are heartbroken about not having "Have yourself a Morlock little Christmas" up, but maybe you wanted the Sabrina the Teenage Witch Christmas Special. Click the pics and decide for yourself what you want to see.

101 Classic Christmas Specials

101 MORE Classic Christmas Specials

Big ups: The Matt Clemens Show

2009-11-17T23:27:00.002-05:00

I have been meaning to find a way to put the brotherhood into this blog, so here it is. This tall, surprisingly shitty at basketball, redhead from Indianapolis has put together a decent late night formatted show. Dig it. He is going to throw nothing but the funniest, unemployed comedians and the most insane hobos from the region on this undermanned charade. It has picked up through the episodes, hopefully he will keep it going, so I could be on it, of course. I'm a self serving dick, whaddya want from me?

Life, Death, Marriage, and deaf hotties

2009-11-16T00:30:00.002-05:00

Well, burn my biscuits, readers. It is time for another update (though this is SUPPOSED to be a daily blog. Then again, it is SUPPOSED to be illegal to make an army of super smart apes to loot banks for you...) There has been SO much going on that jokes need to be made, but I, like always, have since forgotten since I have sat down at this PC. I think I should just focus on shit that has happened since my last update. All I know is that having one of a pair of identical twins die is fucking weird. When you go to the funeral, and the guy that is supposed to be dead is literally standing up talking to people, it is surreal. Not to mention, when the twin is looking over his dead sibling, that has got to be one hell of a mindfreak. It is essentially staring at yourself in a coffin. Big ups to Indiana's sports teams for beating Boston twice in a weekend (Pacers on Sat, Colts on Sun). That was just fun to be around for, so I have to mention that. My memory sucks, so I am just gonna give you the business.

	Throwdown an electronic beat with the tone matrix
	I call BS on some of them, but take a look at the list of the most difficult videogames of all time
	As a Bonus, use the Konami code on all these great sites just for kicks. Don't know the code? Roll over the pic, homes.
	"It’s called Missmyspaceusa and these lovely ladies are, believe it or not, the top 20 vote-getters. I have not stopped laughing." Myspace is fucking worthless.
	The Seth MacFarlane factory is now on overtime, bitches.
	A woman plays chicken with the subway. Does it go well?

-BLC

Non Sequitir Smiley

2009-11-11T15:00:00.002-05:00

I didn't quite know how to set this one up, so I just went for a NSS. This is Drake's latest single "Forever". I really don't know what to say about it, but it warrants a lot of examination and notoriety. The video has a LOT going on. Maybe even too much. Ttrying to put Drake, Eminem, Kanye West, Lil Wayne, and Lebron James's different styles in one package is one hell of a order. No, I don't know why Lebron James is in this video either. Kinda seems like bad pandering towards African-Americans. I kinda wonder why they chose not to have a glock wielding Kool-Aid Man burst through a wall while start spitting Katt Williams lines and handing out fried chicken. The song is damn good, but Eminem's verse is amazing. Just watch and enjoy. Or hate. IDGAF.

Steven Tyler to leave Aerosmith, fans apathetic (Freestyle Monday)

2009-11-10T22:57:00.003-05:00

Once again, it is time for a rant that just comes from the top of my head, no real plan, no rehearsing. It's bound to be incomplete and horrible, but I just want to rant.

I'm aware that this is Tuesday, but suck it. Anyway, looks like Steven Tyler, the front man for one of the most famous American rock bands is parting ways with Joe, Joey, Tom, and Brad.Tyler reportedly told Classic Rock magazine,

Tyler reportedly told Classic Rock magazine, "I don't know what I'm doing yet, but it's definitely going to be something Steven Tyler: working on the brand of myself - Brand Tyler."

A friend of mine once made a postulate about how the band you loved when you were about 14 will forever hold a special place in your heart many, many years after it makes sense (read they start sucking). She also famously quipped "So few women in this world are deserving of the word 'cunt' and, by god, Teri Hatcher is one of them." Well, Aerosmith is the band I loved when I was 14. They were my segue into all the different type of music I listen to today. However, when I read this in the paper I saw a homeless man defecating on, I didn't even bother to stop him momentarily so I could read it. I really hate saying this, but this is not news, Steven. Yes, Aerosmith is the top selling rock band from the US. Yes they have Grammys, American Music Awards, Video Music Awards, and Rock and Roll Hall of Fame status (alongside suck names as Del Shannon and Buffalo Springfield. Yes, that is a typo, but it was too apt), but really when is the last time the Bad Boys from Boston really made a difference. Let's talk about the impact of this decision for real.

Steven Tyler is going to part ways with the band he has been with for the past four decades. Tyler wants to work on some solo stuff, the rest of the band wants to continue the Aerosmith name. First, Steven Tyler now looks like this:

He is also a man known as being a full on rock star kinda performer. At the age of 47, perpetually energetic Anthony Kiedis (Red Hot Chili Peppers) is slowing down, what kind of spunk would a 61 year old tyler have? Also, Aerosmith is WAAAAYYY out of the loop of musical trends. They would probably get in the studio and request a sousaphone player and ask whether or not they could actually say "pussy" instead of just hinting with overly drawn out metaphors. Neither one could be profitable without the other.

Also, The last time anyone gave a shit about their music was
- Public Eye: Guitar Hero: Aerosmith (2008)
- Single: Just Feel Better (2005)
- Album: Just Push Play (2001)
- Being Considered in Vogue: I Don't Want to Miss a Thing (1997)

These guys are kinda on the "Sit back and reminisce" point of their careers. You don't see Walter Payton lacing up his cleats on Sunday. That's mostly cause he's dead and I make insensitive jokes, but you get where I'm going with this.

Also, you can't fucking be with someone for 38 years, break up and pretend like it's all good. This is like your mom and dad splitting up in their 60s with one trying to find a new mommy for you who has a ton of flexibilty and considers going to Rodeo Drive a hobby and the other persuing a career in metal craft while stripping at night. Aerosmith was Aerosmith for a long time. Them being in the public eye in any other respect is just sacrilege.

I am a huge Aerosmith fan, but it is time. Do us all a favor Aerosmith. Just announce the band is done. The only question people will ask you is "Why now? Why not 10 years ago?"

-BLC

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-10-29T13:22:00.002-04:00

All right, enough of Kanye's interruptions, the old post was deleted and if you didn't come here in the last 30 or so hours, you have no idea what that means. Anyway, back to the fun that is Beyond Last Call.

A quick one today. I don't think there is an explanation needed for this one. It's attractive women playing System of a Down's "Toxicity" on violins. On a related note, I miss Bond so much. These girls could be as famous as they were, but they decided to post their video on the internet which is the equivalent of playing this number at a Dairy Queen job interview. Yes, you'll impress the HR manager, but you're still going to have to show your tits to make it anywhere. Also, if you don't know who System of a Down is or what they sound like, I've included the official video so you can see how well the girls actually do with what they got.

Comedian Spotlight: Louis C.K.

2009-10-27T13:15:00.003-04:00

As it goes when you start doing something you love, you get asked "why?". You get asked "how?". Painters get asked who inspired them, ball players get asked who they emulated when they grew up, and comedians are no different. While road tripping with Central Indiana's comedic fraternity (Named so because the Nation of Domination was taken) we get into conversations and the question comes up: "So, who is your favorite comedian?"

I have watched SO many HBO specials backwards and forwards, worn out records and 8-tracks, hawked shows like "Comedy Central Presents", "Lounge Lizards", "HBO Comedy half hour"... I couldn't tell you how much more I have actually seen than you. I guess that is why I realized I actually liked comedy. I digress. I sort through all that and make a cold decision about who I would credit as being my favorite comedian or who I am imitating when I am on stage. I usually say Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy. Maybe I'll drop Eddie Izzard or DL Hughley. And always, Louis C.K.. Now, when talking amongst my comedic brethren (and...sistern?), I expect it to be a taught, opinionated debate. I expect obscure comics to be pulled out of people's asses, memories of when _______ used to be good or when they actually did stand up, and arguing the merits and intricacies of every comedic performance ever witnessed. While, to an extent this is true (big ups for Courtney K. for understanding Gallagher), I drop Louis C.K. on these bitches and they, young and hungry COMEDIANS on tour, give me a "...who?". Y'know, the balding guy. Red hair. Hates his life. It is surprising how few people know who he is, and, if he has taught me anything, how much one can laugh at another's misfortune. If you have an opportunity (and like what you see below), round up all his material cause it is all just as good as this if not better. His HBO half hour special is probably the funniest thing I have seen in years. Here is my public service announcement. When I mention the name, you have a voice and face. Here is Louis C.K. mostly from his latest one nighter "Chewed Up"

Am I a racist? (Freestyle Monday)

2009-10-26T14:39:00.005-04:00

The short answer to that would be a resounding "yes". But, I don't want to just throw that shit out there. I want to have a reason for being one. I mean, I know I am, but I don't like to think that I am until presented with a point in my life where I am driving a my Honda to the Chinese restaurant after watching Asian porn all night and I just randomly blurt out "Goddamn taco bending Guatemalans". Well, today, it happened. If you are reading this blog, one could only assume you are of a certain age in which Disney movies were your everything growing up. Pick which ever one is your favorite, but the stretch of movies produced by the house of mouse from roughly 1989's The Little Mermaid to The Hunchback of Notre Dame in 1996 is solidified in everyone's mind as being the most memorable children's entertainment of all time. (In case you were wondering, The Lion King FTMFW!). As we have grown up, all the little girls that wanted to be these Disney princesses have since had boyfriends who came into their lives and shot those dreams down and made them settle for, at best, the life of Wilma Flintstone, while all the boys meticulously crafted an argument for which of these animated, out-of-their-league beauties they would totally do. Problematic thing is, most of the classic beauties have the EXACT same character model (as do most of the princes, but whatever).

All girls dreams and guys fantasies essentially came down to hair color. Redheads identified with Ariel, dark haired enthusiasts had Snow White, and every non-white girl was relegated to Jasmine. At the end of the 90s, however, Disney decided to create a few more diverse character models (Pocahontas, Mulan) in order to "cave into those stupid slant-eyed bitches demands". Though my research department is a little sketchy on the exact quote the studio execs used.

Six years go by and no one really thinks about that time when Disney produced amazing traditional animation, but at the end of this year Disney is set to release The Princess and the Frog. This will mark Disney's first time in 72 years of animation they will attempt to put an black character on the screen that ISN'T horribly racist (Sunflower the Centaur, the Dumbo crows, and Song of the South, which is literally under a self imposed ban and will never see the light of day). There are FAR too many ways to cover this topic, none of which are the point of this article. What I want to point out is that I grew up in a big melting pot in a larger city in the US. I have friends that come from different places in the world. These friends have different beliefs, tastes, and skin color. I break my own cultures rules in many ways. I love white people's food, latin people's music, asian's peoples art... I could not be less racial insensitive (except to those fucking wop Inuits). But, does it make me a horrible person, knowing I love (read: would fuck) every type of woman on the face of the Earth, to look at this picture

knowing she is THE EXACTLY the same model as the girls that have been around for decades, and say "I have a new front runner on hottest Disney princess"? Perhaps, but I think it just makes me a incredibly depressing man for having that thought in the first place.

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-10-26T14:12:00.002-04:00

Something laid back and easy cause the last post was more of a funny rant that just couldn't end up anywhere, I give you this in time for Halloween. It's good stuff. It's always on people's (guys') minds regarding the ladies costumes this time of year. I just wish I would have made this video first.

Are you kidding me?

2009-10-26T12:12:00.004-04:00

Far be it from me to say that everything I do is legal.These days, with the lines on what constitutes breaking and entering and running an opium den so blurred, I find it hard to figure out what I do that IS legal. Well, the other day, I took a look at myself in the mirror after doing line of cocaine off of it and realized I had to get my act together. In doing so, I have had to give out tons of valuable information, process credit card transactions and register for new accounts everywhere (or in the case of ToneLocfanforums.com, register for a third account). In doing so, I have been forced to remember so many goddamned passwords, logins, and urls that I, in one moment of chair smashing rage, contemplated stripping naked and running into the streets renouncing my need for material possessions.

I feel right now is a good time to point out the fact that this entire situation is a result of the time I heard myself say the phrase "I'm gonna get my shit together" followed by the modifier "And I'm serious this time". I shouldn't be ditching all my previous work and trying to start fresh. I should be more dedicated and passionate. Though, I suppose that's the logic that turns the creepy guy who knows your favorite flavor of ice cream into the full-blown, hair collecting stalker that requires a restraining order. So, what does one do first when starting to set up a financial plan and life goals? He heads to the horsetrack. Because why prepare a long drawn out letter to Best Buy about how you got mugged every month on the exact same day for the last 6 months when you just hit the trifecta and clear everything up in a day?
After that plan fails spectacularly, the first thing to do is set up your email accounts. What is the rule? One for business, one personal, and one spam? Seemingly I have that covered. But lo and behold, my supposed spam mail account is overflowing with smut peddlers who are absolutely SURE i am into watching coed-on-coed-on-husky action. Time to streamline. New spam mail account. As I set it up, my default password isn't good enough. So, new password. For reasons far to idiotic to waste your time with, I had to clear my browser history and cookies. Unknown to me my default password has not been good enough for months. So, I have my backup password, which also doesn't work on any of my common sites. So, I have to answer a ton of questions (none of which I remember the answers to) and reset my passwords. Another new password. Seeing as I went this far, it would be prudent to update my personal email. I figure the one I have had since high school (hotchocolate17@aol.com) will attract the wrong type of person. In fact, it will only attract ONE type of person and that person has been on To Catch a Predator too many times for my liking (my liking being zero). New login.
Next, let's do business. Apparently, one must know where one has lived for the past 6 years to obtain a credit report. It was a horrible, horrible experience to live in that dumpster for a short period of time and I have blocked out all my knowledge from that time as did all my other friends that visited me at my college dorm. So, I have to go the "I'm an idiot" route and fax them a ton of information that I didn't necessarily have (Why the fuck aren't three forms of ID good enough? Why would I have a recent utility bill, let alone one in my name?) After mailing them a pic of me with a gun to a puppy's head saying "just give me my damn credit report", they obliged. Ok, that works. Now, new jobs? Apparently, to work at Taco Bell, they want you to send a resume. Fine, at this point, whatever. The rub however, is that they would have you set up an account with us using an email and a password. One that is more complex than the three I already have. Marvelous.

I just want to know why all this is necessary? What the fuck nefarious schemes is one going to do with my Staples Labor Day flyer pdf? Why can't a simple password that I can remember ever work? I, this very moment, have to check on the dozens of applications and postings I have replied to and god only knows how many attempts it will take to get it right. I'm finding it hard to work jokes into this without making the post far too long, so we will just stop it here and go on to the next girl. Just bitching.

-BLC

An album review: The Blueprint 3

2009-10-09T23:39:00.003-04:00

For an artist that trumpets the words "Death of Autotune", Jay-Z, ironically, uses a ton of synthesized beats and very production heavy tracks for his 11th album, The Blueprint 3. Much heralded by one of my contemporaries, this album has been highly anticipated since the rumors of its release started buzzing some 14 months ago.

For the 15 track album (16 if you count the rhapsody exclusive "Jockin'") Jay-Z has employed the skilled talents of only 9 different producers. While this may still seem like a lot, it is a far cry his previous albums American Gangster and Vol. 3...Life and Times of S. Carter, which had 15 and 14, respsectively. Kanye West, No I.D., and Timbaland compose the majority of the beats on this album. The Neptunes and Swizz Beats add one track apiece to the formula, no more. Gone are the familiar names of Just Blaze, Irv Gotti, and DJ Premier in the liner notes. Seemingly, this information is relatively excessive until you get into the album and realize how droll it can be. The album becomes a bit stagnant after the 3rd straight Kanye West produced track. Jay-Z's lyrics are still sharp, but lack emotion. He seems to rap for the love of rapping. More akin to an amazing basketball player nailing half-court shots in the park "just for kicks". But, I suppose by the time you're pushing 40, your name is synonymous with hip hop, and you break a tie with the King for most number one albums all time, it becomes just another day.

The beats here are very new to Jay-Z's lyrical style. While some of them are definitely worth the flagrant attempt to be nouveau (check "Young Forever"), some just don't make sense. Don't be mislead though, on "D.O.A." and "A Star is Born" Jigga still reminds us he is still a representative of mainstream hip hop. His word choice and rhymes are less than stellar, but he still comes across as committed and adamant about the message presented. The glut of also ran tracks on this album are in directly oppose the dramatic and catchy singles. "Run This Town", probably the all-star track, is perfect from the first note on and a great compliment for Jay-Z's lyrical prowess. The track "Off That" similarly compliments him well with a very infectious jungle beat.

You would never expect the out of place track on a Jay-Z album to be the simple and repetitive "On to the Next One", but here we are, thrown a bunch of, if I may, weird tracks that don't seem to fit Jigga. I can't say that this album is not a good thing, it is just REALLY hard for me to listen to this album without removing the CD and double checking that it really is Jay-Z. The theory of this album seems to be "Let's throw some curveballs and see if J can rap around them". What it produces is a hit and miss work of art. Take the singles and put them on blast. The other tracks are worth keeping, but best left for the random feature of your MP3 player.

Bitch, you can *wink* sample it here. (certified by me, as of today, but who knows how long)

Motivational posters v2

2009-10-08T12:41:00.005-04:00

Wow, if you aren't careful, diving back into a blog can really clutter your harddrive So, in an attempt to rid myself of some of the pics I have been saving, I present to you the second installment in a series I may or may not continue: motivational posters. Yay. And yes, that pic IS a lil insider at you. You know who you are.

Gaming sucks, fall is here, and growing up

2009-10-07T22:18:00.003-04:00

Skippitty BAH! Ok, this is kind of a cheat. I found something I LOVED the other day on the internet and wanted to post it immediately. Figured a NSS would be in order, but I have been tossing those around like crazy as of late, and I hadn't put out an article in about a month. So, it took a long time from half assed idea to half assed article, but it is finally finished (below this one, natch). I would have just done an article on it myself, but the guys at IHEARTCHAOS already did it about as well as anyone could, so I just linked to their article. Enjoy the shitton of traffic, guys . I tried to get other links (only 4 this time) as fast as possible so that the story was still fresh. Besides, link dumps are worth more and can give people a lot more fodder, now that the weather no longer allows for all the things that are good in the world.

	Just in time for Halloween, Joshua Hoffine's excellent horror photography portfolio
	Seriously?? This passes for art?
	Jennifer, you have made me so happy...
	The 15 most literal photos ever

-BLC

4 Colossal Failures That Made My Day

2009-09-28T15:00:00.020-04:00

I am an incorrigible bastard. Go back through all the posts and just see for yourself. Little children's tears taste like honey to me and I love watching everything people have worked so very hard on burn in hellish flames and I laugh as it does so. Perhaps I never had enough hugs as a kid. Perhaps I just want everyone else's hard work to get thrown away faster than WNBA season tickets. Seeing as I was already going to hell, I don't really feel bad about cheering when things go belly up. For example

The Golden Compass

In this day and age, the big budget studios in Hollywood have pretty much gone to the "they'll pretty much pay to eat shit" theory of marketing. For the most part, they pretty much are 100% correct in thinking that.

Yeah, Steve. With the new Benz, you can't even FEEL the immigrants as they go under your tires. Now about Home Alone 5...
New Line Cinema's plan for The Golden Compass, like every other movie during this decade, was to be the first of a trilogy based on a series of children's fantasy books. With the success of movie series such as Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia and The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (also produced by New Line Cinema), the studio execs had nothing but faith in this project and pretty much green lit every item that crossed their desk, which is kinda like building an F-16 without landing gear cause "it will be hauling to much ass for that pussy shit"

The budget for this movie swelled up to a massive $205 million dollars. To put that in perspective, you could purchase about 50 M1 Abrams tanks (you know, the kind used to ruin a town in this legendary video) and do up to, but not limited to, whatever in the hell you wanted. New Line Cinema disregarded the opportunity to play the most wicked game of tanks vs. skins ever and pressed on, putting together quite an amazing cast (James Bond himself Daniel Craig, the always lovely and talented Nicole Kidman, and Ian Mackellen, cause it's cliche) and launching a huge marketing campaign. They basically tried the "well, it's been working for the last few years" strategy.
The movie was marred before it was even released by constant criticism, mostly stemming from the anti-religious themes and Phil Pulman's (the writer of the books) thinly veiled slams on the Catholic Church. Which was well timed because it was released fot the Christmas season of 2007. With all rabble aside, December 7 came and it was time to cash in. This movie was all about making a profit. So how much did the movie get into the black? Not one penny. It lost 130 million dollars making it the biggest domestic flop of all time. The movie did fairly well, but not as well as expected. The planned trilogy has been flipped to various studios but has now made a nice home collecting dust on a shelf in Hollywood. On a positive note, it did make 370 million dollars world wide, making it somewhat of a victory, but it did not begin to justify being number 9 on the most expensive movies of all time list behind worldwide billion dollar cash cows like Spider-Man 3 and Titanic.

Last word: Don't keep cramming down my gullet how much I should be masturbating to the creation of live action adaptions of fantasy books. If I gave a damn, I'd have a Barnes and Noble Charge card as opposed to a RacksnBlacks.com membership

Speed Racer

Another entry in the category of "movies that would require at least a blowjob for me to see" is the 2008 second coming of the messiah (as it would seem to those who advertised the movie) Speed Racer. No doubt this show is that which would support a 90 minute feature length film

Editor's Note: they disabled embedding, so click the pic for the video.
Despite the classic bad acting and the plot twists taken directly from my fifth grade trapper keeper (they excluded the part where I TOTALLY touched Amanda Foley's boob), this clip isn't that awful. I just couldn't resist putting in that gangsta punch to Speed's underdeveloped abs.
This movie's real reason for being is that it came on the heels of Transformers the previous year, which was just a rehash of an old school cartoon with spiffy new graphics that managed to stay on pace financially during the summer of Pirates of the Caribbean, Spider-Man, and Shrek. If a no expectations, fresh idea concept could gross what Dreamworks described in their official press release as "an assload" of money, why shouldn't the other companies strike while the iron is hot? So without giving so much as an ounce of thought or recollection as to how poorly the Matrix sequels did, Fox went balls deep into the Speed Racer project and called the Wachowski brothers and gave them a 120 million dollar budget to play with. The studio also dropped $80 million of the budget to promote the movie in the form of cereal, Legos, fast food, and even shoes in what most believe was Fox's attempt to actually replicate Michael Bay's wet dream.

In an interview for Variety Magazine, Joel Silver, the movie's producer, said "You have to open big. You have to let them know you're out there. The only way to make a lot of noise is to have people shout from the rooftops." Which is a good way to think of things. No guts no glory, right? But this is like gathering everyone in your high school at the end of the day to watch you do a sweet burnout only to end up driving your car into a telephone pole. If a relatively well known product like Transformers could earn 300 million at the box office just by being a nostalgic romp, surely a internationally known phenomenon that has been around for 40 years would gross a ton, right? Try $43 million. And mountains of Speed Racer toys that can't be moved from the clearance section of Big Lots.

"My break ends in 5 minutes. Can I get one last hit off the Mach 5 bong?"
Lesson Learned: When you tell everybody this is going to be the cinematic event of the year, you damn sure better bring us the cinematic event of the year. Otherwise you just end up looking like a jackass. Also, retro-chic won't save a movie that isn't a good fucking movie.

Manhunt

After the absolutely insane success of Grand Theft Auto III, Rockstar Games became a household name in the videogame world. The company virtually revolutionized the modern day gaming industry by creating/stealing from the Driver series the 3-D sandbox style gameplay. As is standard protocol with proverbial geese that lay the golden egg, Rockstar decided that it just being Rockstar was good enough and that they could slap their logo on a box of rhinoceros jizz and it would move 100,000 units.

Rockstar Games pretty much did that with a lot of their subsequent games. Like any other company, they have their hits (like Midnight Club and Bully) and misses (remember State of Emergency and Red Dead Revolver?), but they put out so few a year that the accompanying buzz is huge. So when they drop a dud, it is all the more disappointing. Such is the case with Manhunt (and even more so, Manhunt 2, but it's pretty much the same thing).
After GTA III, Rockstar Games garnered as much notoriety from their amazing graphics and gameplay as they did from the sheer outcries and controversy of how incredibly violent and unwholesome the game was. Rockstar, not knowing the definition of the word "timid" (presumably because they used that page of the dictionary to stick in a bottle of moonshine and create a Molotov cocktail used to set an orphanage on fire) got to work on a new game called Manhunt.

"We took out the ass to mouth move. What more do the censors want from us?"
In the game, you take control of a death row inmate who must appease an unseen director by viciously executing gang members in front of security cameras. While this is not incredibly wild by video game standards, it is the uncompromisingly graphic nature in which it is detailed that makes for the controversy. This game drops you in on a dark corner in which you must decide to dispatch an enemy by suffocating him with a plastic bag, sticking a sickle between his legs and slicing his junk off (seriously), or sawing his head off with piano wire (don't forget to hide the severed head, lest one of his gang buddies sees it and, y'know, becomes suspicious about why severed heads are appearing in this part of town more than they used to). How brutally you kill each gang member determines the score. There are some elements of stealth and cool features to it so it is really the videogame equivalent of a good core drowning in layers of excess. Like a motorized wheelchair that has a turbocharged Corvette engine and a Hello Kitty flamethrower.

Unlike the other entries so far, this could actually be considered a commercial success. It did sell 1.7 million copies between the original and the sequel (with a third on the way), what makes it a disaster? The fact that Rockstar tried to pass this off as a exceptional game that happened to have highly stylized violence. It was in actuality a very shallow attempt to push boundaries that had been stretched by the success of its preceding title. If you would listen to Rockstar's stance on it, they would tell you they are fighting for the freedom of speech and redefining what is acceptable in our culture. Which is the equivalent of driving a Ford Focus through a herd of moose on the road and being pissed that your car was totaled because Ford's slogan claimed it was "built for the road ahead". It's testing the limits of something for sheer stupidity's sake. This videogame came up very short because of the idea that the hype would excel it to the next level. Considering games today can cost as much as $60, 4 out of 5 stars doesn't necessarily translate to sales, let alone 3 out of 5 stars with gameplay that is more likely to turn off a ton of potential buyers, specifically those that own a Nintendo Wii, the family oriented system and the only console for this generation that Manhunt 2 is on, perplexingly. Why no Xbox 360 or Playstation 3 release? There is plenty of speculation as to the specific reason, but it basically boils down to how well the product would sell. It just wouldn't be able to push enough copies to justify all the headaches that are associated with a game that had to be toned down to get an M rating.

Lesson Learned: Just cause the law allows for something, doesn't mean you can throw out a rather mediocre product and claim it is better than it is.Controversy won't make a product any better than it is.

Playstation 3

If Ross Perot taught us anything it's that everything in life is a two pony race. Oh, there can be a third, but the third has as much chance one would have NOT picking the stall with the gloryhole in a gay adult bookstore. The traditional setup of any competing products works as such: the first (which will be loved by the early adopters and will have time to grow and be perfected during its lifespan), the best (which has superior features and functions that allow it to make up for lost time), and the niche (which has features that the others don't offer thereby giving it worth). Sony decided to not go with either of these routes for its new home console, the PS3. It also decided that simply not having a desirable product was not batshit insane enough, they went ahead and slapped a $600 price tag on the fucker.
When the Xbox 360 dropped, it led the pack for this generation. It had some bugs, but it was leaps and bounds ahead of the PS2 and Nintendo's Gamecube. Sony pumped a ton of power into their new PS3, trying to simply be a beat all in the numbers department. What they didn't account for is that the human eye can only give so much of a fuck about graphics.

According to Sony, these Xbox graphics are bitch.
Nintendo decided to go next gen and create the Wii, not only satisfied the niche, but is arguably the best overall product. So when you have a product that doesn't appeal to anyone, costs one months rent and DOESN'T give blowjobs (though the blu-ray player is nice, it just isn't a BJ) you pretty much have a disaster on your hands. While Nintendo was unable to keep up with demand on Wiis till mid 2009, PS3s have been used as make shift lounge chairs for Target employees who were smoking pot in the loading docks.

PS3s were to be big hammer in the fight for the videogaming dollar and they were. They have more whiz-bang features and power than any other machine today. Problem is, you would sometimes be better off using a glass cutter get your prize. The system that was supposed to run the Nintendo off the block when it arrived stateside 8 days prior to the Wii has been outsold 3 to 1 by that same little machine. Valve and Blizzard have openly criticized the machine and said it is expensive and difficult to develop games for. Gamesradar and PC World have rated it one of the biggest PR disasters of recent years. While it has managed to stay afloat so far (despite the nearly 2 billion dollar loss posted by Sony during the PS3s first year) it is clearly behind its rivals.

Lesson Learned: Numbers are just little scribbles on a sheet, except when those scribbles read "$599". Consumers won't bend just because you are Sony and you have better meaningless numbers.

My lesson learned? Write better articles, but I'm done, tired and in need of a wee nip and a wee nap.

-BLC

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-09-24T20:24:00.008-04:00

Will I ever post regularly? Yes. Now, I can't promise you I'll try, but I'll try to try. Anyway, if any of you dig my style, you can check out my sidebar for links and such. One of those said links happens to be of my (ugh) decade old friend Jeff Smith and Mobetterblogging. I have to give him props because he is KILLING me on traffic and it is gonna get that much better cause he made (albeit the bottom) the front page of one of the most visited sites on the net: IMDB.com.

Congrats. I threw you a bone and gave you props. Now where is my kickback?

I love NSSs, as soon as I read something or see something, I know immediately that it is going in the bit. This little article from craigslist is one of those things. I also love her description of herself: "serviceable". Magnifique!

Put together my IKEA table while I masturbate - w4m - 37 (TriBeCa)

Date: 2009-09-20, 1:00AM EDT

I bought this IKEA table and i can't assemble it. Come over and put it together for me and I'll masturbate while you do it. With a dildo. And I will serve you unlimited iced tea. I'm 37 and not amazing looking but totally serviceable.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1383180711

Giving up, being bad with names, and Rock Band

2009-09-12T12:55:00.004-04:00

For those of you who are new to this blog, I totally wanna repost some things. You missed some smashing hits (Well, no you didn't, but let's just pretend). I can count on one hand the number of people who read this blog, but that is due to a freak birth defect giving me only three fingers on one hand. As of late, I have been running into and associating with friends from the past. I even bet one ten bucks that she wouldn't call me before the end of the night. And she didn't. All she had to do was call. G's-us, I know I'm offensive and repulsive, but that really takes it to a new level. Well, enough. I just felt like saying SOMETHING before we did the link dump and I figured I'd do posting a pic of me shirtless with the caption "Saskatchewan".

	Old school meets modern: Choose your own adventure video
	Get some insight from the last songs performed by legendary artists
	A cartoon short from the guys at explosm.net (Fuck Yea!)
	Check it. From 1962, the growth and appearance of every Walmart in the nation. I literally watched the ones in my hometown appear.
	I really wanted to get to five links and get back to drinking, so here are some funny handwritten signs

-BLC

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-09-08T23:10:00.003-04:00

As I was finishing things up tonight, I came across this commercial. I'm a sucker for this type of thing. Little homage and such as Jay-Z goes throughout the sound stage and recreates all the poses on all his past albums. Sweet. And a one take to boot. Also, the Kanye West produced "Run This Town" track that is featured is another reason to love this commercial.

5 Perfect Combinations That Fell on Their Asses

2009-09-08T23:02:00.006-04:00

A 'perfect storm', so to speak. This is the situation that arises when people come up with brilliant ideas that take all great things that we know, put them together in a unique fashion, and create some of the greatest creations known to man. This type of thinking has lead to bacon infused vodka (and bacon anything for that matter, but that is another post) and the El Camino. However, sometimes, despite what all logic dictates, you can put seemingly awesome elements together, stir, and get something that is culinary or visual equivalent of a sack of wet buttholes. Sometimes the whole is not equal to the sum of its parts. Such is the case with...

The XFL

Its parts:
One part football, one part professional wrestling, one part rejected soap opera scripts

One of the biggest busts in recent memory was the disaster known as XLF, Vince McMahon's venture into sporting events that weren't, y'know, scripted. Vince McMahon, the chairman of the World Wrestling Federation

I refuse to call it the WWE. Suck it, pandas.
and man who is not above legitimately faking his own death for ratings,

has, to his credit, pulled a lot of things out of his hat. He has Single-handedly made professional wrestling mainstream and hip and made some of the names therein part of Americana. He has his hands in music, movies, television, food; you name it, Vince has tried it. But from 2001 to several weeks later in 2001, McMahon took a look at the NFL, America's most popular sport, and decided he would attempt to jizz in its face. The XFL looked to combine the spectacle and show of sports entertainment with the professionalism of the NFL. Which is like combining the great taste of Rally's with the excellent service of a used car salesman whose child support check was supposed to be in the mail yesterday.

Hey. You gotta eat.
The XFL, whose initials literally stood for nothing, advertised itself as a hard-hitting, light rules, more injuries type of football. What we got was a basic NFL clone with rules that had been used in the NFL ages ago but were thrown out for being too fucking retarded. One such rule was to do away with the coin toss used in most football games to award first possession and replace it with one player from each team scrambling to the the ball that was placed on the 50 yard line. Opening games this way seemed smart until one of the scramblers separated his shoulder and ended his season 4 fucking seconds into the season and considering the XFL lasted only one season, it effectively ended his career. But in the scope of things, the XFL was barely an upgrade from the Lesbian Kickball League's Chicago chapter, so I think he already knew that. Also, with NBC dishing out half the money for the project, they decided to downplay the character antics and not focus on the cheerleaders. That's right. NBC knows what you want: 3rd string football players getting penalized. A LOT. As fun of an idea as this could have been, the XFL never quite took off and was wiped away after one year due to low ratings and an overall lack of talent.

Josie and the Pussycats, the movie

Its parts:
Rosario Dawson, Tara Reid, Rachel Leigh Cook, and pretty much anything

If you could cast a movie with three of the most wanted women of the day who had to dress up in what is standard "hot-slut" garb for the girls at a college Halloween party, threw in some retro kitsch and a big budget, how could you fail? Ask that to the heads of Universal Studios circa 2001 and you will get a shoulder shrug and a blank stare.

This combination of things seemed unable to fail. Girls love it cause it has a 'girl power', cute but kick-ass stance, guys will love it because they can put this on their shelves next to Honey and Camel Ho's as the 'classier of my strokin' material'. Seriously, when this movie came about, I didn't think much about it, so something was obviously done wrong, but in retrospect, how the hell did they not just solely advertise to high schoolers the fact that three amazingly hot girls would prance around on screen for 88 minutes, your girlfriend would potentially want to see this, and, since there was probably no plot to this movie, your erection was the only thing to talk about and she'd probably give you a handjob to shut you up? This movie sells itself.

"Honey, that's why God invented the back row. And the food court. And the bathroom at Menards."
This film grossed only $14 million in the United States, and Roger Ebert gave it a half a star, which gives it less props than The Spirit but only one half star more than Deuce Bigalow: European Giggalo. Seemingly all you'd need is to have these three be filmed, add in a soundtrack by acts like the counting crows and Babyface and Bif Naked and viola. So what went wrong? Besides the fact that the filmmakers placed an absurd amount of glaring product placement as a joke rather than get money for it, I suspect that it is the special cameo by Carson Daly. Everything he touches seems to get considerably much less entertaining.

Enter The Matrix

Its Parts:
Every element from the Matrix movies (including talent, writers, actors, and story), a huge budget, and next generation console power.

The Matrix was one of the most popular and successful movies in the last decade. This is a fact. And for three years, Warner Brothers decided the best thing to do was to let the movie and story lie peacefully and let it be a benchmark for good story writing and marketing. After the two year grace period of not looking like money grubbing whores, Warner Bros decided to give up that image and make up for lost time by over saturating the hell out of the franchise.

Dodge this.
One of the items that seemed to give them the most pride when it fell out of they shat it out just in time to be launched with the movie was the videogame Enter the Matrix. This revolutionary masterpiece was supposed to go far beyond what we had known in videogames just as the movies had done for the silver screen years ago. As all the consumers who are on the receiving side of the ass-pounding know, rushing things to the market generally makes for a poor product in which your company will never live down and will eventually sink you.

Enter the Matrix was, at best frustrating, buggy, and repetitive. At worst it was downright unplayable (evidenced by the 4.95 million out of 5 million copies that were last touched in May of 2003 and have been collecting dust on a shelf ever since. This writer's copy included). One problem that seemed to arise was the ability to mimic all of the advanced movements and control seen in the movie. To accurately do so, you'd either have to have an elaborate controller that would be more suited to a Bond villian's bachelor pad, or a room full of software programmers that wanted to make things functional rather than get out of the office before School of Hard Knobs 4 premiered on the Spice Channel. Considering that this game had a $30 Million budget, you'd think they'd put in some extra effort. At least look at a game like Max Payne (which was a videogame based mainly off of the fighting and action of The Matrix) and copy that. It's not like the look/strafe system hadn't been in videogames since 1995.

Don't feel like you've been screwed enough? The Wachowskis used this project in addition to The Animatrix to fill in gaps of continuity in the films. Afull hour of FMV sequences would have been unlocked and available for visual pleasure had anyone bothered to play the game. The problem with that? That story and those movies are integral to the actual films. Yes, the reason we don't see the Logos (Niobe's crew) go shooting up a highly guarded powerplant and being awesome in the movies is because they saved that for the game (they just showed the lights going out in the city in the Reloaded). Also, as most people in Hollywood assume the public can't tell the difference between one negro and another, the original Oracle was replaced by a different actress from the first Matrix to Reloaded, seemingly with no explanation. Know where you can find that explanation? If you just have to know, you can try beating a level or two of this game without putting a rock through your TV screen. I will just go on happily pretending like the other parts of The Matrix series never existed.

The 2003-04 Los Angeles Lakers

Its parts:
Collectively 5 Olympic gold medals, 4 NBA MVP awards, 3 first ballot Hall of Famers, 2 of the top 5 scorers of all time, 2 inductees to the "50 greatest", 47 selections to the All-Star game in the starting lineup alone and a 10x NBA champion coach.

The lesson here, kids, is that the harder you try, the more of a fool you will tend to look like. Coming off of a three-peat championship run, the Los Angeles Lakers were pretty much treating the rest of the NBA like the less athletic, retarded cousins of the Washington Generals.

The squad that had won three championships with only the superstars of Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant managed to crush the Eastern Conference champions worse each year as it took 6 games the first time, 5 games on the second try and a sweep the third time. Seeing as having no competition for three years was apparently getting dull,the Lakers front office decided the only logical thing to do was to go out and get even BETTER players presumably so the other teams would forfeit, the Lakers would be first to the playroom, and Shaq would have first dibs on the Squand.

"For real, dog. I Cain't get this muthafuckin shit wet. Seriously."
So they added the legendary Karl Malone and perennial all-star Gary Payton to their roster. This "if it ain't broken, attempt to break it" threory worked all too well as the Kobe Bryant was in and out of trial all year, Shaq couldn't stand to be around when Kobe was playing, Gary Payton always wanted to bust a cap in someone, and The Lakers got dusted in 5 games in the NBA Finals.

Heat

Its Parts:
Al Pacino and Robert Deniro acting on screen together

While this doesn't fall under the true "on it's ass" category, the film buffs that adored these two thespians with Academy Awards for Best Actor under their belts were given a device, in the same vain as their most popular roles, in which they would be acting alongside one another (not as in The Godfather, Part II where they appeared in different points chronologically and were never seen together). This was fully on, Bobby talking to Al. The whole kit and kaboodle. So, why, outside of this article, have you never heard of this movie? Cause it only grossed $67 million domestically. While in 1995, that was a much bigger deal than it is today (even Lou Bega made enough for a gold plated Segway), it still is incredibly underwhelming that the studs for some of the most revered films of the last 30 years got together and made a "meh" film. That would be the 90 minute equivalent of Brad and Angelina's middle child. The one that will, despite all logic, not be that hot. Of course, Righteous Kill did appear in theatres for a whopping 3 weeks in 2008, pairing them once again in a cop drama. But why did we not give a shit? Remember how I said earlier that sometimes you can't recover from sins of the past...

We will never forget, Bobby.

Hopefully you've been entertained and hopefully this post is touched up right, cause I am hella tired and I now resent this list. So I'm not changing it.
-BLC

The Hookup/Album Review/News

2009-09-03T13:28:00.003-04:00

If you didn't know, Atmosphere is one of the premier hip-hop acts in the nation and they have been doing it underground/independent for their entire run. They have had some hits and misses, ups and downs, but to this day, they are still one of the best. If you want to hear some of there best stuff, check out "Travel (remix)", "God Loves Ugly", and "Free or Dead" just so you know what you are getting into. Point is, the Minneapolis duo is stepping into the digital age and has launched an online store. In doing so, they are giving everyone that creates an account a lil something special: A free seven track album entitled Leak at Will. Nice. While it won't exactly top Lucy Ford as the best Atmosphere album, it does have a few tracks worth sticking on your mp3 player (Check out "Millie Fell off the Fire Escape"). Not much one can say about this one, as it isn't a real album and this isn't a real review. Get over to Fifthelementonline.com and sign up. Get yourself a free album. Trent Reznor isn't the only one passing out free audio candy.

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-09-02T01:31:00.005-04:00

When referring to the Explosm team, nothing matters. You can almost bet their Cyanide and Happiness is gonna be a laugh. So, if this is your first time seeing this strip, where the hell have you been. If not, hopefully you haven't seen this one.

Motivational Posters

2009-09-01T14:28:00.005-04:00

Tuesdays suck. If you have ever heard my long dissertation about the days of the week, you probably know I think Tuesday is the worst day of the week. So what better way to get through the day than with some motivational posters? Yeah, if you are on the internet as long as I am and you are hooked in with a few forums, you'll know that one of the most prevalent things to do on this vast frontier is to make those mock motivational posters. A few years back, there were only the handful of true official ones from the Despair,inc, but in just a few years time, and a decent image editing program, everybody (despite their ability to write funny jokes) was throwing these around. Hell, if you want to make your own, all you have to do is search for the template and find a funny pic, but to make it even easier, Big Huge Labs came up with the full shebang, integrated with flickr and everything.

Regardless, I come across these things all the time and sometimes I REALLY laugh out loud. I got a thousand of these, so this will probably become a regular feature, but for now, enjoy them. Just right click and do 'View image' to see them in the glorious, un resized versions.

Editor's Note: I am aware that three or four of these pics will go over your head. Don't sweat it, I tried not to include them, but because I AM a nerd or freak, I laughed so hard I couldn't refrain from putting them despite all of that.

New Album fo ya...

2009-08-31T13:46:00.005-04:00

It's like double stamp Tuesday or something. Anyway, I came across this album a while back. 8-Bit covers to Weezer songs by the online record label the Pterodactyl Squad. Didn't think much of it, cause what the hell? 8-bit covers of Weezer songs? That sounds like a horrible concept. But in a selfless and unrelenting effort to bring you all that is cool, I decided to give it a listen, and...wow. I was expecting something annoying to awful, yet what we get is a VERY ingenious way of pulling this concept. The more impressive of the tracks are VERY well produced and really push the envelope. It is a lot more entertaining and welcome if you are a Weezer fan and know the tracks, but I don't think it loses all of its appeal if you don't. As an "also" to this, there is "Da Chip", a compilation of various artists doing Daft Punk songs in the same way, but that almost seems redundant. That album has been yanked from the net and isn't readily available for download due to Daft Punk not being cool with it, but you can still hear it on the old youtube. Less impressive than this release, but just thought you'd like to know. Seriously, give "Island in the Sun" a listen.

The link. Certified. Checked. But you may have to use the mirror to get the album.

More things to hate

2009-08-31T12:25:00.004-04:00

Idiots at places where I work that tell me "mind your own business". That's a funny line. Not that I'm un-retarded (heaven knows) but by definition...

I may work at a grocery store, but at least I'm not a dirty bitch.

Also, I can't perform in Bloomington, IN ever again. Just surfing around on the net last night and saw that the I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Tour (Tucker Max's movie) is on a 31 city tour and the guys picked Bloomington, IN as one of their stops. I may not be that funny, but if Tucker Max has a big fan base in B-town, me and her ain't gonna get along (as we never have). Fuck Bloomington. Also, fuck timing. Yeah, when you are young and confused, opportunities only seem to come around when you are moving on. Crossing my finger and praying I am gonna see some titties tonight. Not that I am going anywhere special. It's just one of those always on the back of my mind things. Enough babbling, time for some links.

	How to be safe when babysitting. Circa 1976
	We needed a game. How about hangman? With a VERY violent kick?
	I may have created a monster, but here is dumnbjokesthatarefunny.com
	Neil Cameron's Alphabet of Awesomeness. W3rd.
	The Deer Hunter was never THIS dangerous.

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-08-27T23:50:00.003-04:00

Well, I missed another deadline. As I write this I realized that I even forgot the jokes that were gonna go along with this "I am just throwing up a NSS while I write my next article" post. Such is the game. Though, I did work a bit harder trying to make this a full Seth MacFarlane post. If you didn't know, Seth MacFarlane, in addition to Family Guy, American Dad, and The Cleveland Show puts out a weekly short in his Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy. I have such a love hate relationship with Seth, but this format really lets his specific brand of humor shine. The Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy is a web show that consists of nothing but the "cutaway" gags Family Guy have popularized but have been heavily criticized. I wasn't able to find enough things that I just had to put on (most are funny, but not 'gotta see' funny) but I did literally laugh out loud at the Dick Cheney spot.

Again, pimping the comedy.

2009-08-24T22:37:00.003-04:00

All right, again with the Crackers show. But a few of you have been asking me aboot it. Also, I forgot to tell you that you have to make reservations. You can call them pretty much anytime before the show. I have been known to call at 7 or 7:30 for the 8:30 show on tuesday. Also, don't forget, free cover with the ticket below, but you gotta buy two things. Call em up at (317) 255-4211 or hit up crackerscomedyclub.com if you have any questions. Broad Ripple at College Avenue and 62nd street. Tuesday. 8:30. You know you want to.

-BLC

It's a music video kind of day

2009-08-24T01:49:00.003-04:00

Still pumping away for you all. I'm thinking I want to throw something funky your way, cause lord knows we are a while away from Timbaland's Shock Value 2, RJD2's album is stuck in limbo, and Green Day's album didn't gain anywhere near the success of it's predecessor. Here is two great tastes that are fairly good separated (the Chicago/Detroit duo the Cool Kids and the Italian electronica partners The Bloody Beetroots) that combine into something amazing. Things like this are the reason peanut butter and jelly sandwiches came to be.

Old School Jams and Selling out

2009-08-23T01:16:00.003-04:00

That title means something, but nothing interesting enough to talk about. Let's just admit that I'm doing some filler until ________. Kiss my ass, YOU write your own damn blog if you wanna throw dirt on mine. Fuckers.

	Wonder how toons would look if they existed in alternate universes...
	I suggest we all sign up for classes right now
	Love can be complicated
	Now THESE are some white guys that can play basketball
	A website in the vain of Jay Leno's 'Headlines'. Oh Happy Day.
	The most hillariously unfortunate names in the world today

Suck on that for tonight.
-BLC

Passes for Crackers Comedy Club

2009-08-22T12:13:00.003-04:00

So, if you didn't know, yours truly is performing at Crackers Comedy Club in the Broad Ripple Village of Indianapolis (6281 N College Avenue) on August 25th at 8:30. This is your pass for free admission for two. They are the generic Tuesday night live passes, so any time until the end of the year they'll work. Two item minimum, it's actually closer to 8 bucks including tip, so note that. It'll be a good show. Lots of funny people, yadda yadda. Enough pimping it, if you are coming, Shmmm'on-nah(!) if not, nuts to ya.

See you there
-BLC

Really, Miley?

2009-08-20T23:48:00.003-04:00

Ok. Haha. We know about Miley Cyrus and all the things she does. She has been in hot water for the underwear pics and the myspace pics. She also got her freak on with a stipper pole at the Teen Choice Awards a few weeks back. She also posed for a rather disturbing set of photos for Vanity Fair:

Yeah, there's totally nothing unwholesome about this pic
And yes, she has a bunch of products that lead one to believe that if she were around in your high school, she'd be... goddammit, I am not gonna try any jokes here, cause I feel dirty. (Even dirtier than I did when I did this post). But, shouldn't the humor come before all else? What ever happened to the man that pulled no punches and let the chips fall where they may? Well, that man got with a woman recently that had a school girl fantasy and he had a realization: he doesn't like being dressed up like a school girl and getting spanked. Statutory rape is never funny. Except when a catholic preist, a child molester, and a alcoholic with a gambling problem walk into a bar and he orders a rum and coke (ZING!). Point is, there were these products we all heard about:

and these lil treats...

But oh, now. Come on...

That's just horrible.
(big ups to Jeff Oskay for the getting spanked joke. Funny guy, that Oskay)

-BLC

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-08-20T01:51:00.004-04:00

Is he really back??? Fuck shit yeah, jigga boo-boo! Whatever. Yeah, so, if anyone still reads this blog. You have noticed I have been away for about 3 months. Sorry, loves, life was calling. Had some summer fun, so I just needed some personal time, and been working like crazy (not the fun kind, the shitty I gotta make more loot so as not to eat kitty litter sandwiches. It was either that, or survive on Rally's, so I really didn't have a choice). I am also down TWO computers (how the hell I managed that is beyond me, but I'm pretty sure it was a combination of downloading episodes of The Loop, constantly ripping music on to my iTunes, and pouring Skoal vodka on the keyboard), so you are gonna be getting some quickies until that shit gets right again. I got so much shit on my mind for this place, I just hope I can get back into the groove and remember how to code this shit. Maybe with more free time on my hands I will. So, without further ado, here is the start of what should be regular posting:

How the hell did this one happen in my hometown and noone say shit about it? As I was going to throw up a link dump, I read this description, and said "Let's go. Should be fun." Then I heard a familiar voice say "RTV6". Indianapolis's own. Funny, but with an extra kick cause it's not just some yokel town I don't know, it's the anchors and studios I have seen for half my life.

Five fads from the 2000s that have faded out

2009-05-23T14:13:00.003-04:00

There is a certain timeless quality to a lot of the things we adore. Throw on a black tux and strut down a red carpet and no one will question your taste. Have your picture taken on Christmas day with your new Tamagochi pet and flat top hair cut and the kids you buy booze for will never quit asking you "what the fuck did you do to your head?" As this decade ends, we can now look back upon its classic niches and trends that have dried up faster than Ellen DeGeneres's vagina at a Chippendale's show. Some fads you get over rapidly, others take a piece of our heart and could easily labeled as the fad that we wish we could get back with cause "I swear I'll be good this time". Fads like:

Chuck Norris Jokes

I think we all remember where we were the day when someone nonchalantly spouted off three or four outlandish facts about the raw masculinity of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris facts gained a ton of popularity in 2005 and actually were a much more popular spin off of Vin Diesel facts from the "Vin Diesel fact generator". Which really makes you wonder: as popular as Vin Diesel was, what exactly made Chuck Norris so much cooler than Vin Diesel? Exactly when did Vin fall off?

Chuck Norris facts peaked around 2007 when the meta really hit it and Chuck Norris got into the fray. He did multiple TV appearances, commented on his website that he found the facts funny and was flattered and even made a TV commercial with Mountain Dew. A few months after that, Chuck Norris fact T-shirts and greeting cards sold about as well as Blu Ray players in Zaire
If you didn't know, the one surefire way to kill something's popularity is to have the person you are poking fun at welcome the attention.

Cornrows

Editor's note: This pic was too funny to not use somewhere.
Latrell Sprewell could pretty much be considered the one true "Negrodamus" for all that his legacy has given to black people since being adopted by the public eye. Yeah, black people ate up to Run DMC's Adidas and went apeshit over the Cha Cha slide, but c'mon, just one fad? Pathetic. Spree has at least three. Sprewell spearheaded the movement of thuggish athletes. I mean, without Latrell, you would just sit at basketball games and be entertained by what you saw. Latrell made it possible for you to experience the terrifying action of a 6'8" athlete coming at you with much hatred and fervor.

Sprewell's were also the pseudonym given to "spinners" (the rims on a car that have an extra flywheel on them to give the illusion of movement when a car is standing still. whew!) for a brief moment. However, nothing defined the last decade and a half quite like the emergence of the cornrow. After Sprewell started rocking them in the 1998 season, black kids tired of the bald fade rejoiced as they had discovered exactly what would be known 20 years later as "the thing after the flat top". Recently, Allen Iverson, one of the most well known advocates of the cornrow decided to cut his off and go with a short cut.

Though, it probably would have been a lot more timely to do it about 5 years ago, cause in 2009, white people had already been ruining it for about 6 years up to that point.

Bullet time

Remember when The Matrix was synonymous with revolutionary filmmaking? Remember when the Wachowski brothers had revolutionary ideas that blew your eyeballs into your asscheeks? I do. I remember when I first saw The Matrix (actually, I don't because I was staring at the chest of this beautiful morena when I first saw it, but just placate me). It was obvious from the second that it made a couple million at the box office that it was ripe for parody.

After that, every video game on the block was using some horseshit bullet time knock off that the characters could conjure up through some real deus-ex type circumstances. By the time it was featured in Dora the Explorer: Journey to the Purple Planet, you could pretty much tell that designers were fully replacing it for the old school practices of "content" and "story".

A lot more challenging than the cover indicates
This one just simply got overexposed and worn out. If you are still in the mood for finding some awesome bullet time action in a game or movie in 2009, may I suggest walking down to your local Big Lots and while you are there, picking up a "Make 7-Up yours" tee and a VHS of Batman and Robin.

The DRM movement

So, there you are playing your VirtuaBoy and networking via Friendster and you hear the most slammin track you have ever heard in your life. If this is actually the case for you, I suggest you maximize your social networking skills via Friendster by loading up the the homepage, searching for "Thomas Smiley", and while the search is processing, leave your computer, go out to anywhere outside of your house and talk to anybody. But you decide you love this track so much, you are gonna download it... *wheez* illegally. So, you boot up your P2P filesharing program and search for the song and what do you get? A version that will not even play on your computer. Or worse, that infamous scratchy copy. Many house parties have been ruined because the maestro didn't check his or her copy of "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)". But, honestly, any party where people are sober enough to have their time ruined by a fucked up version of a one hit wonder song is probably a Crusades for Christ sponsored event where coping a feel of a girls hand at the during the speed chess game is about as risque as it gets.

"Sinning hurts us so much"

Ah, good memories. A few years back (and actually, still to this day) big companies are doing all they can to keep hackers and pirates from being able to have free copies of their shit, but ever since technology has evolved to the point where DVD burners are standard on the base level Dell PC, you can spend not even $1000 and have software that rivals big studios right at your fingertips, and the internet being pretty much a lawless frontier, the sutdios just wound up saying "fuck it" and charging more for their product for those of us that DO buy it. Which, studies show, most people still do. If you think otherwise, look no further than the fact that X-Men Origins: Wolverine was FULLY leaked on the internet and it still managed to gross 85 million during its first weekend. Seriously, type in the name of the movie and a few choice words, and no matter how new it is, you can get your hands on a copy. Surprisingly, there is only ONE guy in each black neighborhood that knows of this and has a DVD burner for some reason. FYI, (since no one really reads this) in Indy, that guy is usually hanging out at 52nd and Keystone in front of the Dollar Tree.

Vanilla Cola

This is more of a conceptual title for a more inclusive fad. Yes, I am aware that you can still pick up a plethora of vanilla infused colas across the country (just as you can find people still rocking cornrows) and, yes, Pepsi's Mountain Dew sodas are going hog-ass wild with flavors nowadays, and yes, the whole idea of capitalism relies on new marketing strategies and oneupmanship, but back in the summer of 2000, Pepsi started a shit storm of a pissing contest that could only hide beind the idiocy of the Bush administrtaion to not be so glaringly retarded. Pepsi launched Pepsi Twist (a lemon infused Pepsi) in the summer of 2000 with moderate success. Vanilla Coke was released in 2002 to MUCH greater success. Pepsi decided to fire a shot in the form of Pepsi Blue, which was a miserable failure. Pepsi afterwards gave huge marketing push to Pepsi Twist by having high profile celebs endorse the drink. They instead chose the Osmonds, Britney Spears, and the Osbournes.

Not Pictured: A good spokesperson for a product and/or event
Though, this was 2003, when most of them were not FULL BLOWN insane or meth heads. Pepsi did have a great success with this, but it wasn't enough. Figuring all the good flavors had been that could ever be had been invented (cause they actually tried Ice Cucumber Pepsi), Pepsi decided to just steal the formula for Vanilla Coke and pass it off as Pepsi Vanilla. Coca Cola, seeing as they were getting beaten badly in the "citrus zest so hipsters could drink us" department, went ahead and jacked Pepsi Twist's gimmick, but did it with lime in 2005. This insanity went on for a few years, one company jacking the other's idea until people got very complacent with the flavors and the two companies just realized it was "getting really fucking gay" and axed most of these flavors around 2005. Though Vanilla Coke has returned (along with Black Cherry Vanilla Coke) and Diet Pepsi Jazz has some of the flavors created by this war, the two standard ponies of each respective company are pretty much the only things they advertise today: Pepsi/Coca Cola Classic and Wild Cherry Pepsi/Cherry Coke.

With these things gone, one can only hope that reality tv and trilogies are next, but It'd be much more likely that I'd get a trilogy of hot girls in my bed before that stops.

-BLC

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-05-22T02:04:00.003-04:00

I told myself I'd finish up the article I had before the end of the day and I didn't do it. I started two, got neither finished, and am officially giving up on people cause my roommate is apparently retarded. Anyway, just to offer you something on the one day I have had free in the last week, I present to you a kid saying something funny.

Also, as a bonus: New Celebrity Jeopardy

Phil Kijak hates us

2009-05-13T02:22:00.002-04:00

I want to beat the scheduled outage blogger is going to have, so I'll make this quick and dirty. Tonight, Phil Kijak performed what is probably going to be his last casual performance at Crackers Comedy Club in Indianapolis. He is off to the city of wind to work on improv and to try and work a bigger market. The powers that be gave him a full set this night. There was an emcee, ten regulars, and the Phil. He got to do 20 minutes. Well deserved, cause he is one of the best from central Indiana's circle. That is all there is to it. I'll miss seeing him perform. Really. I mean, mark my words and hear it first (and hopefully if they come true, he'll give the Crackers gang a lil throwback), Phil will be big stuff. Maybe he won't be the next Chris Rock and maybe he won't replace Letterman, but I could see him getting somewhere. Very few people I work with have such a command of the stage like he and his voice will leave a void in this city. So, I couldn't find some of the clips I wanted, but here is a small sample of his material:

Get out of here kid.

Goddamn Coincidences

2009-05-12T01:57:00.002-04:00

That which you see above this text is a picture of yours truly. Maybe a year or two ago, but that is me. Aren't I handsome? Ok, well, that ISN'T actually me, it's Sean Patrick Thomas and for a multitude of reasons, he is my Hollywood doppelganger. Soon enough, when Sean Patrick Thomas is too pase (about two years ago), they will be calling me to replace him. So, what is it about us? We share a name, we have some similar looks and the characters he plays tend to represent my actual life (both of my brothers are barbers, so Barbershop was a close to home movie for me and he tends to be a "non-threatening black guy" in movies like Cruel Intentions). Whatever. There are a lot of actors and a lot of movies out there. It probably happens to a lot of people. Where it gets sort of odd is when I had a half white, half Chinese girlfriend who, said if she were to have an actress in a movie play her, it'd be Julia Stiles, mostly on the basis of the character Kat Stratford in 10 Things I Hate About You. She was completely unaware of the fact that my doppelganger and her ideal starlet actually had an on screen romance in Save the Last Dance; a movie we both enjoyed and that was set in Chicago, the city where she lived at the time. NOW, all that said, there is a new movie Dance Flick, which spoofs a slew of recent dance movies (Save the Last Dance being one of them), set to be released in theaters on May 22. The main character is in this movie is a non-threatening black guy... with race identity issues...whose name is Thomas. The character opposite him is...a spoof of Stiles character whose name is...well, it isn't Lena, but it happens to be Megan, which happens to be the name of a my cracka sister and best girl since the 10th grade. Most of this post is just for my friends who know me and can see how weird it is, but still. Must the ghost of Sean Patrick Thomas and that movie haunt me in small doses forever? I overheard the first five seconds of the clip and I nearly shat myself.

You can click that pic to waste 12 seconds of your life, but I just wanted to have proof and I couldn't find "TV spot #2" to embed. Also, I totally just dropped "cracka" (twice!) in my blog. How do you feel about that?

-BLC

Sucker for brown eyes, great playoff action, and the future

2009-05-12T00:31:00.002-04:00

Well, true believers, I wanted to wait a while before my next link dump, as I usually fall back on them when I have nothing (and as of late, I have quite a few cool ideas brewing), but some of them are sort of time sensitive and I have been collecting for a while now. I feel it is my duty to impart this knowledge on you, but I realized that when you wiggle ever-so-slightly your mouse over a video in a webpage, it helps take the choppiness out of it. Try it on a video that seems to have a shitty frame rate. It really works. Of note in the mandatory rant: I just got an "edicion furtiva" of Powder Blue. Just saved the 8 dollars I would have spent to see Jessica Biel naked in a movie. One of my good friends, quirky little brunette, thinks that Jessica Biel is a lesbian. But that just goes to show you, most women have shitty taste.

	This is the proper way to do a running gag, folks.
	Am I above linking to leaked Rihanna underwear pics? Damn no.
	When you find out that she has a boyfriend, remember to keep it classy.
	The mysterious Inspector Gadget villian "Dr. Claw" has been exposed. I'm only a decade and a half behind on this one.
	For your reference, a comprehensive list of standard drinking games.
	I wish I still rolled with my friends that were afraid of clowns. This would really ruin their sleep.

Kickin' some Hip Hop

2009-05-10T00:39:00.005-04:00

So, Happy Mother's Day, first and foremost. Mom, I love you. Now, on with the show. I have some relaxing to do. Nothing better after a wasted day than to waste the remainder of it surfing the internet and finding new music. Keeping up with music is hard. You are so behind the times if you haven't heard this new band or don't own all the albums to every band at this year's Lollapalooza. Well, I don't have time to even pretend I know anything about music. I can, however, keep my ears open and spotlight some new things that I feel are worthy. See for yourself.

Asher Roth

Say it. Go ahead. Every white rapper will be compared to him, so we might as well. Asher Roth is a carbon copy of Eminem. He even sounds a shitton like him. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. He bites his style, to be sure, and he obviously is kind of "shticky" (as evidenced by his popular track "I Love College", an ode to all things that happen during those blacked out five or so years and the fact that he released his album on April 20th...well played Asher *eye roll*) but he does come with a little bit of walk to his talk. His latest single "Lark on my Go-Kart" is a shameless non-sequiters that rhyme and make segues, but it piqued my interest (note: take that, 9th grade vocabulary test!).

Love him? Hate him? Not big on him? Yeah, Copywrite has some issues with him too.

Nyle

This was a hard choice: spotlight this one for the amazing video or spotlight the song. I wasn't much into the song until I heard it without the video and realized I liked it. I also can't begin to imagine how hard this video was to do in one take.

N.A.S.A.

Stands for North America South America, before you have to lose your mind googling it. Most of the people in the know have been bumping their album The Spirit of Apollo since its release on Feb 20. Hard decision here: do I post the better song or the better video? I am gonna go ahead and post the song that I like more, and tell you that if you even remotely enjoyed that, look up the video entitled "Money" by these guys.

K'Naan

I should know more about K'Naan, but I don't. This track has a heavy salsa(?) influence and differs from the other three so much that I didn't want to post it, but after a listen, I don't think anyone will be disappointed.

Places to NOT go on a road trip this year

2009-05-07T18:34:00.010-04:00

I love the spring. It really revitalizes my soul. Even now, experiencing my 24th transition from the ball-sucking winter to the short-short-on-hot-ass-coed warranting spring, I still have yet to figure out what causes that full 180 mood swing from "if I had just two more seconds of winter, someone would have received a very close view of this highlighter I have behind my ear" to "life is almost bearable".

But I do have an educated guess. It rhymes with "retting a roner".
Yes, love is in the air. Downtown city nights are back. All that procrastination about getting in shape is just about to fuck me over. Yeah, baby. I don't think I could be happier. One thing I love more than good times with hometown friends is causing mischief on the open road. Besides, if you just look at my friends from back home, you know that the more time spent away from them, the less questions I have to answer about indecent exposure charges.

"Ladiezzzzzzzzzzzzzz".
So as I gear up for what will undoubtedly be another summer of broken promises and wholehearted disappointment, I pondered what other towns and cities I would terrorize. What I came up with was a unique look at cities that I know I will NOT be going to this summer.

Dishonorable mention: Detroit: all around shitty
This one just goes without saying so much that I feel foolish even having it on the list. The entire state is close to being laid off due to Ford, GM, and Chrysler going down the shitter. But, on the real, if you decided to make your headquarters Detroit, MI, getting flushed down with that sinking pile of shit is about the BEST outcome that could have hoped for. Motown was recently (read: just about every year as long as you've been alive) ranked as most dangerous city in America. 10 times the national murder average (7 per 100,000 is the national average) and 6 times the national rape average (31 per 100,000) all the while being cold as shit, having the only NFL team in history to lose all 16 games in a season, and having no particular landmarks of interest. Statistically speaking, if you went to Detroit and attempted fill up Joe Louis Arena (home of the Detroit Red Wings), Ford Field (Detroit Lions), The Palace of Auburn Hills (Pistons), and Comerica Park (Tigers), you'd probably be raped in the process. Think that is shitty? Detroit has a horrible drug problem. I don't have any links to prove that statistic, but I knew Detroit back in the 8th grade. He's changed. But possesion of drugs is usually a misdemeanor. Most of the people in the state that get busted serve under a year in jail and can still get a job at UPS. This man, however, can't

Kwame Kilpatrick. The Mayor of Goddamned Detroit from 2002-2008. Resigned after being charged with EIGHT felonies and actually getting incarcerated during that time frame for violating parole. He pleaded guilty to two of those felonies, btw. I guess it is fitting. Government for the people by the people. Most people would scream shenanigans if the mayor of Motown wasn't willing to be involved in a murder conspiracy.

New York City: A place where you can die from just standing around
I have visited New York once in my life. I had a love hate relationship with it. I did enjoy the insane speed of it and the fact that people at least pretended to get their asses in gear, but I love my car, peace, and being able to not see a bum defecating in front of my favorite liquor store at 2 AM too much to live there. Besides the fact that prices are astronomically high in NYC (I was shown a nice 4' x 3' place for rent on the scenic Brooklyn Bridge for $1000 a month) and English is about the fourth most common language spoken on the island, the real reason to avoid NYC is because it takes the saying "any given moment a Ferarri could park itself in your living room" a little too seriously.

Also, the city is one of only 5 cities in the world to have 25 or more buildings that are at least 200m tall. When you have a city that is built vertically like that, the likelihood of things dropping on your melon at skull obliterating velocity gets a lot higher.

Minneapolis: it's cold and people talk funny
My ex-girlfriend's mother was from the "land of 1000 lakes". Seeing as I have never been there, I am basing most of my knowledge off of what she and her family have bestowed upon me. First thing I know is that Minneapolis gave us this:

Prince is a genius to be sure, but if being able to say "I knew him when he wasn't a big deal" means having to watch a guy fellate his own guitar while wearing assless chaps, I'm gonna go ahead and wait til he goes platinum before buying his album.
Second, as anyone from the areas around Big Ten Schools knows, midwestern weather is crazy. Opening pools in May in this area is only for the financially retarded. If it is before June, don't go anywhere without your fall coat and unless it is December, don't be surprised by a day t shirts and flip flops are in order. I have, in Indiana, seen it snow in May, but it was simply an annoying anomaly in the air and life shortly proceeded to go back to normal. This, however, is a peek into a MN native's late April. Full on snow. Enough to cover the ground.
Finally, MN warrants an absurd amount of hatred as a quick google search seems to indicate. Though, it is mostly for their bland Canadian-esque culture which I can attest to. They really do talk funny. I, no kidding, have known that aforementioned woman from Minnesota and her family for a number of years. To this day, though I have asked and since forgot whether her niece "Meggie" is a "Maggie/Margaret" or "Meggie/Megan". Goddamn MN accent.

Washington D.C.: They just don't care enough
You can't really mention D.C. nowadays without pointing out that most of our government has proven that their motto seems to be "when life gives you lemons, find someone with an open wound, hit them in the head with that lemon and then go back to your job where you debate the merit of people using steroids in baseball all the while the country you are running is slowly turning into the cautionary tale for little Estonian kids who will be playing with toys made in that third world country: the USA". But, this isn't a political site (even though I am planning a to campaign for city dog catcher in Bloomington, IN). This is a light hearted humor blog. So, I will point out that this city makes no effort to be professional in MANY ways and just a few weeks ago sent their professional baseball team out on to the field with these jerseys on:

I guess it's not a problem, though. As the Washington NATIONALS suck. Nobody really notices them or what they sell. That's probably why they are able to get away with their team mantra sewn on to every baseball cap: "Fuck Spell Check"

Philadelphia: Fat, ugly and just dumb
I think I am just reiterating some old notes here, but Philly is full of people just standing around doing jack squat. I think that is a thing with the northeast of this county. People tend to hang out or seemingly just stand around for no reason. Don't get me wrong, they aren't in the way or anything, it just kind of perplexes me. Also, Philly is one of the ugliest cites in America and has a crime rate that is through the roof. This is also the city that pelted St. Nick with snowballs during an Eagles game. The main reason I pick on Philadelphia is because I have been watching episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and this is just an excuse to post some clips of the type of people that "inhabit the city".

Wow, such a shitty post took me all day.
-BLC

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-05-07T14:05:00.003-04:00

In a world... where I completely forgot what the hell I was gonna write (it's official, I'm gonna write ALL my good ideas down, not just the one's I don't think I will remember) one man has to pad his blog with entries of random videos. Anyway, the gang over at Collegehumor.com decided to put together this piece satirizing one of my favorite filmmakers, Guy Ritchie. It's kind of on the nose, if you know how Ritchie kind of does things.

Re: Answers to last week's quiz

2009-04-28T14:41:00.004-04:00

Last week, I posted two picture puzzles for all the loyals to see if they could solve. Since the goddamn title of this post is so self explanitory, I see no sense in drawing this out any further. Besides, there are some people downstairs I haven't been an asshole to yet, so I need to get on that.

Clicking the pic will take you to a highlighted version of what are supposedly the answers (cause everyone always wants to yell something different in the comment section)

And, yes, I apparently got an image that was chopped off on the left side, sorry, folks.

Also, don't forget to flip and zoom that PDF using those buttons at the top. That makes it so much easier.

-BLC

Back to Muncie and ending up where we started

2009-04-23T23:04:00.004-04:00

All right, so let'd do one of my little life updates. Been workin my ass off, so that is why I've been relegated to about one or two posts a week for a while. I'm sitting on my ass on Thursday night, because I'm sorta in between friends right now. Put all your eggs in one basket and this is what you get. Triste. Muncie was bomb, much love to Ryan Ehrsman and his dedication for having a great place to perform. I'll be back next month...maybe, I don't know how I feel about the comedy thing as a full time business. I love making people laugh, I just don't know if I like making it my job. As weird as it is, I have never really been in West Lafayette, IN for all of the partying that goes on (as I was 18 my freshman year, did frats (not my bag) and have since moved back to Indianapolis) but this year I have been afforded the opportunity to go to Harry's Chocolate Shop and do Breakfast Club. This week is Grand Prix and considering it is basically for ME guys, I should be more aware of what it all entails, but I am not. Like anyone knows who is racing in the Little 500 at Indiana University or who is playing against Indiana State the day of The Walk. I just know this is an excuse to call up the she-devil on my right shoulder (as opposed to the angel on my left who is.... IDK...Carole? She has light features...) and let go a bit. Been trying to get to those "haven't-seen-in-a-while"s and she will be one of the last people to cross off my list. Can you feel the excitement? No, well, will you feel it after looking through a bunch of links?

	"When you come to eat here, you have pretty much decided 'Fuck my seventies'"
	An awesome audio project that lets you relive the barbershop (pretty much requires headphones for a worthwhile experience)
	According to this guy, these are all the internet things you should have seen by now (DON'T click the bottom three...seriously. NSFW. Don't. I warned you.)
	American Apparel calls 'em like it sees 'em
	NERD WARNING: a list of the best game on every system (and here come the angry responses)
	This is a real-life goddamn samurai and he's as badass as you'd think

-BLC

Pick your poison...

2009-04-20T02:01:00.004-04:00

All right, all right. We have a special treat for you today. As I was making up a link dump for Monday, I thought about one thing that got a HUGE buzz a few years back: the Virgin name the band pic. This image started making its rounds on message boards and back in '05, and was actually rather hard to dig up because all the images have been deleted or moved or links are invalid. When I was first introduced to it, I managed to eek out quite a few bands, and along with some friends, I think eventually recognized most of them. Well, in trying to come up with both a decent pic and the answers for said pic, I stumbled upon ANOTHER one Lovefilm.com did in the exact same likeness, only done for movie titles. So today, I will give you the images. You can decide which one you want to try and decipher. And just so no spoilers or cheats come along, I'll wait a few days until I post the solutions and alternate pics. Hell, if we get enough attempts to solve it on our own, I may just wait until we get it all, cause, for the record, I don't remember most of the music one and I have just stumbled upon the movie one tonight. Go ahead, click to get a better image, and torture yourself with either guessing the bands:

Or guessing the movie:

-BLC

OH MY GOD! Lena may have been right all along

2009-04-18T19:46:00.002-04:00

Well, back in 2007 the sultry Rihanna had a hit song. It was awarded the MTV Video Music Award's top honor as "Video of the Year" and won a grammy for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration (which, incidentally is like telling a fat girl she has cute ankles. That shit is pulled out of your ass when you are in a bind and allows us to give false gratis to someone). Well, if you didn't know, the song that I am referring to is "Umbrella", a word that Rihanna doesn't realize has 3 phonetics as opposed to the 10 she stretches it to. Anyway, the point of this little tirade is that someone I know, in her infinite wisdom, honest-to-God, thought the songs chorus was ended with the lyrics "under my arm Beretta". Why? I don't know. Just go ahead and make your own comment about her sanity and her lack of realization that the video contained shots like this:

Umbrellas don't kill people. Rihanna with Umbrellas kill people.
Also, the Fat Joe song from a few months earlier entitled "Make It Rain" only raised further questions about her sanity when she tried to explain that one. Her explanation began with the topic of premature ejaculation and Adam 'Pacman' Jones.We have gone on to make many a joke about that little miscue and it has been slightly immortalized in our little circle. Whatever. But I was shocked to learn just now, that maybe, just maybe, that girl was on to something and maybe WE were the fools...

...maybe....

...just maybe...

....

She was right.

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-04-13T02:23:00.003-04:00

Still holding off on some things before I can get a new article up. Needed to do some research, and getting up early this weekend has not been my forte (also, I think the next article will REQUIRE a trip to a larger city) so, John Caparulo will do some leg work for me. If you don't know him yet, take a look at the clip below. This isn't quite the "highlights" of Meet Cap, but it is probably the best 5 minute clip he put on his myspace. The video titled 'Airport Security' is pretty good too, but unfortunately, he didn't have what I felt were the best 5 minutes of this special uploaded. Meet Cap, which sometimes appears on Comedy Central's Secret Stash (one of the best things to happen to television... EVER), is amazing. John's everyman angle, coupled with his no-holds-barred, brutally honest opinions really make him one of the better new guys. Mark these words, baby.

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-04-13T01:46:00.004-04:00

I can't believe I almost missed a chance to post this. Happy Easter, bitches. One of my faves and I get to post it in a (sort of) timely manner.

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-04-09T13:32:00.005-04:00

A week and two days??? Sorry, folks, hustlin hard. Movies and photoshoots in my non school or work time, so that was officially "more important matters". Nonetheless, just a quickie for now, as NSSs so often are, Disney was apparently out of ideas and animations by 1960...

Drunken Fist... Who's your money on???

2009-03-31T17:36:00.003-04:00

Well, thanks to Filmdrunk, I can't sleep, they keep throwing me these little snippets and news about Ong Bak 2. It hasn't been scheduled for release stateside, yadda yadda, but who cares? You can get your hands on this fresh scene of Tony Jaa doing drunken style boxing.

Which elicits the question: Who does it better? Tony Jaa up there or Jackie Chan below?

Or (just for kicks) we'll throw in Rock Lee from Naruto. (again, fuck youtube)

Bets are currently being taken by BLC and 75% of the proceeds go to the Lafayette chapter of the United Broke Negro Wallet Fund. The other 25% will go to Sasha's (the gem of the Red Garter) college fund.

Lil Wayne News

2009-03-31T01:03:00.002-04:00

So, Lil Wayne has been torching the music scene for quite some time now. He has his own label and has been given more and more freedom to do things artistically. And perhaps his youth and the culture that predominated the late 90s and early 21 century makes things like this a non-news. He has been known to play the guitar in concert and likes to hone his skill. The bottom line is, whenever an artist tickles my fancy, I am interested. Lil Wanye's atest album, Rebirth will be out on June 16th of this year will be a rock album. Like a real, live rock-fucking-album. If he could do away with the auto tune, I'd like it even more, but I was pretty impressed with his lead single "Prom Queen". Fun, light, and pretty damn rock. Check it.

The 'It's really hard for me to make a joke about this post' post

2009-03-30T01:44:00.013-04:00

Sigmund Freud, you're a bastard. What does all this mean? What is wrong with me? Should I have my head examined? Enough of the questions, you must be asking yourself what the hell I am referring to. Well, I just somehow got on a kick of young Hollywood starlets as of late. And we are talking young. Maybe it was because of the Kids Choice... Maybe it was because I was playing Apples to Apples with a bunch of college sophomores this weekend, Maybe it was because I am currently standing outside of W. Lafayette Jr./Sr. High finger gunning some of the girls . Holy shit, um, you know what, just unread those last few lines. I figure if I make one more comment Chris Hansen is gonna start attending my MET classes and start asking to borrow pencils. Y'know, just to let me know he is there... and he knows. Chris Hansen always knows. Irrespective of all the horrible borderline jailbait thing and the subsequent jokes that could get me arreseted, time, I am finding, is playing more and more tricks on me. My best friends and I are "quarter lifers" (though, more accurately, a third of our lives are over). I finally understand a little bit of how all those people felt when they couldn't believe what technological marvels I had when I was growing up and how strange it was to see me with a few whiskers. My mind just got blown the other day when I realized that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, one of the biggest things in my childhood, were hot 20 years ago. Twenty.

In all honesty, this is probably how the Turtles look now.
Hell, I just realized that if I don't become rich and famous in 400 days (428 more accurately) I will never be on the "Top 25 Under 25" list. I'm even going out tomorrow with presumably some wet behind the ears OLS/Psych majors to celebrate a 21st birthday, a milestone I reached what seems like thousands of years ago. I can feel death's clammy hand on my shoulder.

Back on topic. Here is a list (a short one, cause it was actually harder than it would seem to find these ladies) of women that are literally days out from being legal. 1989-90ish. You can drool all over these pictures now, but do you feel any better knowing that just a few months ago, it was... (wheeze) illeeeegal??? And how awkward do you feel? Go ahead, say you'd hit it. Say that these pics are strokeable. It's all legal. But barely, you sicko... Then again, what does it all mean? They are only 4 years or so my minor. At later ages, 4 years is incredibly close. Hell, 4 years means we could have been in high school at the same time. There are so many questions that this post poses, and because of me being effectively weirded out by my own mind, I am going to just shut up and give you 5 famous young women that recently hit 18. Like you weren't counting down the days...perv.

Vanessa Hudgens

Ok, start with a soft one. The oldest of the ladies you will find here was born just days prior to 1989 (December 14, 1988). The 20 year old starlet has a gold record under her belt and is a Disney Channel sweetheart (like they don't just have a factory churning out kids like this) that played one of the main characters in the High School Musical movies. Even more hillarious is the fact that she was one of the handful of Disney stars to be linked to some racy pics that put a blemish on her image. They gotta grow up sometime.

Hayden Panettiere

The clear "chosen one" as far as most sad, disgusting old men are concerned, Hayden has been causing much torture for men since she debuted as Claire Bennet on the TV show Heroes in 2006. A show that was on NBC during prime time. In which she appeared as a cheerleader, if it weren't already twisted enough. As of August 21st, 2007 the clock struck double-zero and every man in town could try and get into the sack with Hayden. Well, at least Hayden won't have any trouble role playing in the bedroom, though I have a feeling that she would much rather be a dominatrix or somthing. Probably would be burnt out on the whole cheerleader schtick.

Taylor Swift

...totally caught me by surprise, Taylor Swift was born December 13, 1989. She is a counrty music sensation and one of the most heard musicians in 2008. Her album Fearless went gold its first week and produced a #4 Billboard single. Though she seems like a good girl, I pretty much see her star burning out soon enough and she will resort to FHM photoshoots. I could be wrong about this, but it isn't that uncommon. So Avril made it back to relative fame after her 2004 shoot, big deal. Just look at the path Michelle Branch took and think back to the last time you heard about her.

Jojo

She's a cutie, isn't she? She is just months from her untouchable status as her birthdate is December 20, 1989. She isn't as hot now as she was years ago when she was the youngest artist ever to have a #1 Billboard single at 13, just some weeks younger than Stevie Wonder, but she's a winner. Also, she is a lot more of a winner now that she has matured and kind of dropped that certain white-trash, bitchy middle school vibe that I got from her when I first heard her singles. Interesting fact, I decided to add her when I saw a DVD for the movie RV and thought "the girl in this is probably the right age. If she's someone, then I'll add her". To my surprise the name Joanna Noëlle 'Jojo' Blagden Levesque appeared on the back. Whaddayaknow? She acts and has one hell of a full name.

Emma Watson

A French Born gal who grew up in Britain, Emma is known best for playing Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies. This one, similar to Hayden, had the stench of "countdown" on it, not the least of which was fueled by her schoolgirl outfit and persona that seemed to get more flaunty as the movies progressed. Though, to be fair, I'll bet a lot of boys who were born around the time Emma was (April 15, 1990) have been in their rooms with the Harry Potter movies for reasons other than learning how to cast magical spells.

Well, I have looked into my soul, and realized I am a sick man. So, to even things out, I give you pics of girls that you'd think would be in this post but are older and not creepy to look at sexually. Pretty much the exact same circumstances, just a year older. Ijust feel better putting them in this post.

Why is it so easy to objectify Maria, Ashley, Hilary, and Rihanna? More questions. Ugh. With one last shudder, I am gonna go take a shower.

-BLC

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-03-30T01:14:00.003-04:00

We're having a non sequitur kind of weekend. WOO!!! This isn't the best I have seen from the boys over at Robot Chicken, but I do like how they figured out how to do the questions to make it work so comically

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-03-29T02:41:00.002-04:00

Oh how the mighty have fallen. Look who got arrested. And surprisingly enough, not for operating ponzi schemes and selling schoddy wares.

Fun with typography, snakes

2009-03-26T03:55:00.004-04:00

Ok, so maybe not snakes. Nevertheless, if you punch in the word "typography" along with "dynamic or "animation" in a youtube search, you will get some fun results. Even better results if you type in "with nice tits" along with it. Sometimes you get some amazing works of art. Some of the best things ever created. And I say that having just eaten a swiss cheese double BLT, my default "greatest creation of all time". In some cases you get some very mediocre chop jobs. I have picked out a handfull of the best to showcase, picked mainly cause they not only look cool, but they do something ingenious with the actual words. Yeah, the V for Vendetta typography was very well done, just not as innovative as the ones here. I kinda feel like LaVar Burton saying this, but if you'd like to know more, check out your local video search engine. Seriously, there are tons more, so find your favorite.

Vince Vaughn is a perfect candidate for this. This one showcases his usual lightning fast delivery and incredible wit specifically the on the fly correction about being interested.

This one is innovative. It is one of the few that doesn't use the words verbatim. It just kind of shows some moves and tells the tale with visual tricks that perfectly fit the words.

Ah, Snatch how I love thee. I was gonna write this one off, but 1) I couldn't leave this movie off, even if there were nothing but terrible examples and 2) The way they do this one, you can almost visualize the scene. Go watch the scene and tell me this isn't a perfect fit for it.

I have yet to see There Will Be Blood but that won't stop me from throwing it up here. There are a few vids of this very monologue, but this one, with the actual formation of the proverbial milkshake, is probably the best.

Just like Snatch up there, this one from Liar Liar allows you to almost see the live action scene. Major points for using the "yes"s to form the big "no". I forgot about the contradiction of Carey's words and actions until that moment.

Saving the best for last, the monologue from Fight Club. This one is genius.

Or did I? This one is also one of the absolute best. The shot, the Way Jules delivers his lines, the crashes, this one is a benchmark for what all the other ones should be.

Just something different to entertain you with today.

-BLC

Blank pages; plus Eninem is back

2009-03-25T21:02:00.004-04:00

Well, NOTHING has happened since I last left you all, and i finally had a decent amount of time to actually write some things for the first time in what seems like a month, but... I got nothing. Just a bunch of half assed ideas that I can't come up with more than two sentences on. Soon enough, though, I will be bursting with ideas and I won't have enough time to put any of them down, but for now, bare with me. I didn't even find enough shit worth a fucking link dump yesterday :-(. Hell, I haven't even come up with new shit for my stand-up since the top of the month, I just regurgitated a bunch of old lines for Legends. Thus is the way of creativity. Sometimes your muse is out partying late, grinding her ass on a bunch of drunk frat boys while you sit at home, waiting patiently for her.

Second news bit, Purdue is in the sweet sixteen of the NCAA tourney, so hopefully they will beat UConn (not likely, but...) and I can throw a bangin kegger at Wyndham Way. Boiler Up!

However, I do have a few loose ends I am certainly capable of making a little post. Though it dropped a while back, I don't know how much the coverage it is getting, so I figure I would drop it here like it was hot: Eminem has a new single. He is coming out of "retirement" (Seriously, what the fuck does that word even mean anymore? Coming from the mouth of an artist, it is more akin to the act of punching a moose in the face than it is to quitting show business. They never mean it) and putting forth a new album, Relapse. Well, I could bog you down with this and that, and some opinions, but you can see for yourself.

I am feelin this one. I definitely brings it back to Get Rich or Die Tryin/Chronic 2001 days of Dre. He hasn't been really working hella hard since those days. He may be back for real and that is gonna be a good thing for music.

You can't say that on television

2009-03-20T00:42:00.007-04:00

Janet Jackson shows the world partial titty and the FCC goes nuts and no matter how much she and Justin would have you believe it was a "wardrobe malfunction", premeditated raunch is the worst thing that has ever happened in the world ever (or so the censors would have you believe). However, the FCC can't control what happens when you do it live and they can't predict people's ability to pick words that just sound a lot worse than their intended meaning. If you'd like to prove you have some chops, do live TV. If you want to forever be immortalized, go on live tv and forget that you aren't at your college buddy's house playing poker at 4 a.m. after a long war with Captain Morgan. FYI, the captain ALWAYS wins, but that is usually cause he hits you where it really hurts: your wallet. (PS, sorry for the Youtube clips. I try and stay away from them as much as possible cause so many idiots do that chop and screw thing combined with bad quality and frequent disabling of vids, but it was the only way :/)

Stephen Colbert on The Today Show

Yeah, I'll bet you did, Stephen. I bet you have many a time. In fact, with Meredith Viera sitting right across from you, it's totally excuseable. It should also be noted that Stephen Colbert is quickly gaining ground on being one of the hardest motherfuckers alive as evidenced by him, milliseconds after letting it slip, he realizes it and just decides to roll with it. No laughing, no apologies. As if to say, "yeah, I said it. Do something."

Iron Chef meets The Critic

In an unbelievably ballsy move, or a complete lack of foresight into the mechanics of English grammar, this judge on Iron Chef tries to describe the food in a befitting way. The near spittake of the other judge makes this one a classic. I don't even think she knows why everyone else is laughing.

The LA Clippers get hardcore

Ok, so this one is sort of an exception cause she knows what she said and corrects herself. That notwithstanding, it is awesome on so many levels: a fairly fuego sports sideline reporter with a dirty mind who at least delves somewhat into pornography. She has the buttoned-up-business-woman-turns-dominatrix-wild-child written all over her. Be still my erecting penis.

Yes. It means vagina

If Whitney Houston actually made a great love song with those lyrics, I'd... actually, I don't know how I'd feel. Doing that just for your lover is pretty dedicated, but I think I'd still rather have a heartfelt love song about kisses and tenderness. Sidenote, this article could have been alternately titled "Hot newswomen say the most arousing things"

Jane Fonda is oblivious

This one feels like Jane is simply too out of the loop to know where she messed up. "Don't all the young kids say that nowadays? They say it in the Vagina Monologues so it has got to be pretty hip, right?"

I totally was thinking the same thing

Rake? Honestly? Was ANYONE else thinking that? The first answer was definitely the correct one and I'll be damned if I would accept anything else. I know Jeopardy is a show built upon obscure knowledge, but noone has used the term rake since blowjobs were invented, so it really doesn't seem to fit. Besides that, I have never been accosted by a "rake" on 10th and Rural at midnight.

Kathleen Turner gets clarification on live tv

Kathleen, it doesn't work so well to test the parachute once you have already jumped. This is like grabbing the last ice cream sandwich, taking two bites and saying "Is it ok if I eat this?" Yeah, Kathleen, you just dialed "G"

-BLC

My Chemical Romance isn't punk

2009-03-19T17:42:00.006-04:00

First and foremost, pick a goddamn things and go with it, My Chemical Romance. These guys have been beating things around the bush more than Chris Brown at a picnic with Rhianna. (Did I already make a Chris Brown Rhianna joke this month?). What's worse, these guys are ruining about seventeen genres/musicians at once. They are covering Bob Dylan, making a mockery of what "punk" rock is, and not holding true to their emo cards. Oh, I forgot to mention, the song sucks. If the store Hot Topic is punk rock, then I am amazed by how punk rock it is to shop with you mom. Whatever. Just like every other band, they are gonna be popular for a while, fall off and have a "we're old skool, but this is our new sound" tour that will make them millions.

Biggitty biggitty Back!

2009-03-19T16:40:00.009-04:00

Oh Man, loyal readers. That was one hell of a sabbatical, but sometimes, a brotha needs it. Had to take a week and some days off, cause I had meetings, script read throughs, auditions, business, and of course stand up work to do. Well, a lot of that is done and dead, and I am on spring break this week, so I have some extra time. Point that I am making is that I feel a bit rested and I am ready to entertain... but I don't have any really good ideas right now, so time to round up some cool things I have seen in the last week or two.

	Is this cute and funny or horrible and borderline rape?
	On a similar note. She could have fucked me if she was really that desperate
	Not as cool as I thought the link would be, but it is still Joaquin Phoenix rapping and falling off a stage
	Wait for it, you filthy pervert. (quasi NSFW)
	And here's more of the same
	When you don't know the answer, just be creative. (SO Funny)
	Andy Samberg is on a boat, with T-Pain

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-03-10T15:26:00.006-04:00

The Easy E edition... Yeah, I have been searching for this for ages and while this isn't EXACTLY the part that highlights it best, it'll do, mostly because I don't think there is another clip of it anywhere. You can skip to about 2:02 for the best part:

Upright Citizens Brigade

Throwing Stars

And to give you a two for one, cause I haven't said it in, like, three years so I may as well show it. Though, I always thought he was saying "Ladies" but it is actually a reference to the Melvin Peebles movie:

Thomas Smiley gives you a history lesson

2009-03-05T21:55:00.016-05:00

Well, sort of. All the people that know me know there is little more I like in this world than to be choked violently for sexual reasons. One thing I love more than that is spouting out odd facts that I find out from just being a curious little fellow. For some reason that makes the world go round for me. Well, researching all these articles and doing some fucking around of my own, I have learned seemingly a LOT in the past month or so. Since I am trying to find a wife, I am currently stifling my spontaneous "boring facts" outbursts, but that doesn't mean I can't throw them out in a series of short stories. I guess this is kind of like a link dump with less opening soliloquy about my ongoings. Without further bullshit, I present some things you may have not known. (Edit: with links to the sources so you can do some exploring if you want)

- Shirley Temple is alive. That is kind of a mundane fact, but when you think about all the other stars of her era, pretty much all of them are dead. Upon checking the math, however, it isn't all that amazing. She was born in 1928 and did her first movie in 1933. So she is just another 80 year old woman living in Southern Cali.

- There is a Cantonese hip-hop group called Lazy Mutha Fucka. They aren't half bad.

- Cap'n Crunch's fisrt name is Horatio.That's pretty damn funny to me for some reason. And, as we know from the disappointing out come of the war between Morgan and Nelson, Admiral is a notch above Captain (or Cap'n). So, has Horatio ever been given any propers for slicing gaping wounds in kids mouths since 1963? Yes. That, if you remember, caused the Oops! All Berries incident of the late 90s. He was promoted to Admiral, his dipshit commanders (?) got promoted, and they fucked up the ratio of berries to crunches. In the biggest dick move of all time, the Admiral demoted the new Cap'ns and took his place back as the maker of Cap'n Crunch and reset the formula making sure all kids were slightly more miserable as they had their wishes fulfilled just this once only to see it ripped right from their plump, diabetic fingers.

- In other cereal news, Yummy Mummy cereal was around when I was alive. I have always wanted to eat Yummy Mummy, for the name alone (though it being "fruit flavored frosted cereal with vanilla flavor marshmallows" seems like a pretty good reason to check it out). I always thought that General Mills Monster brand of cereals were all around at the same time (the Monster brands being Count Chocula, Frankenberry, Boo Berry, Fruit Brute, and Yummy Mummy). Though Yummy Mummy isn't considered a Monster Cereal. Why? Cause it wasn't around in the 70s with the others. It was around in the late 80s and early 90s, when I was the exact right age to imbibe this sorta junk. I could have had it and I fucked it up. This cereal will always be a simulacrum of my love life.

- Sunday Funday was the last game to ever be released stateside for the NES. It was released in 1995. Yes, regular-ass NES. In 1995.

- Stacey Ferguson, or Fergie, was in the pop band Wild Orchid. And she was addicted to Meth. That last bit of information would not be so friggin weird if not for the first piece. Wild Orchid was another pop group in the late 90s where anyone could just slap any four jokers together, throw a number in the band name, and out came a CD that pretty much bought you a gold house. Coincidentally enough, you can go to any used book store in 2009 and buy enough of these same albums in the $1 bin to make a plastic mansion. Point is, Wild Orchid was one of those types of groups. Maybe a lil less youth-friendly, but still pretty wholesome as depicted by this music video. Think I was just highlighting their song that makes them seem goody-goody? Well they toured as the opening act for N*SYNC and 98 Degrees. They also hosted the show Great Pretenders (which is comical enough to write an entire article on, so I'll save my remarks) on the early years of Fox Family Channel's saturday morning programming to boot. Though, in retrospect, Fergie's Peroxide blonde hair in that video answers a lot of questions I once had about her connection to meth.

- The Marvel Comics character and Wolverine arch nemesis Sabretooth is dead. I haven't kept up on "real" comic book continuity in years. I catch a few series I like every once and a while. So when anything big has changed since 1999, I'm all "golly!" about it. I'm not even going to embarrass myself and admit how much I don't know but what I do know is that Wolverine, in a heavily advertised but critically panned issue of his monthly series, beheads Sabretooth with a katana that is able to negate his healing factor. Golly.

- The most expensive pornographic movie ever produced was Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge. It cost $8 million dollars to produce. To put this in perspective, it's predecessor, which once held the title, cost $1 million. The next most expensive movie cost $500,000. In an industry that produces thousands of titles a year, this list starts its top ten at $150,000.

- The PG-13 Rating wasn't around until 1984. This means that in 1983, movies were were just one move too much or too little for one or the other rating. Think about that. In today's world, would be the equivalent of a PG movie like Happily N'ever After and an R movie like Hostel walked a thin line. On a side note, the movie Beetlejuice got a PG rating

...in 1988

- Men's Wearhouse is actually spelled like that. WEARhouse.

- My hometown of Indianapolis is "the most sexually satisfied city in America". Which is really disheartening for anyone who lives there and isn't getting laid. It's the city in America where satisfying sex is ocurring more than any other city, so if you aren't satisfied in Indy, you are fucked! (I realized it after I typed it, but I am leaving that pun in). I point this fact out, cause Indianapolis is a city known for being forgettable. This, along with the fact that it is the cheapest city in America to buy a house in, are it's laurels as of late and really good reasons for me to think about finding a career there.

- Lisa Loeb had a hit single back in 1994. She has dated only two guys in since then. In 2006 Lisa Loeb had a reality TV show on E! titled #1 Single that focused on her inability to land a man. It apparently blew her mind that a 30 year old, crazy, cat loving, vegetarian whose biological clock was ticking couldn't land a man. And advertising that fact is apparently supposed to help? I guess desperation is the new sexy. I digress.That's not what's cool. What is cool, however, is that she a surprisingly nice ass.

- The tv show Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos is regarded as the shortest lived TV show in history. It went to commercial and literally NEVER came back. It was replaced MID-AIRING by a rerun of Cheers.

- I haven't ended my last couple of posts with my signature, which I will do right now.

-BLC

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-03-05T11:48:00.002-05:00

Dude, this is pretty gangster.

They made a TV show out of that?!?!

2009-03-02T00:46:00.007-05:00

Bobby Kennedy once famously quipped "I look at things that aren't and ask 'why not?'". For what Bobby Kennedy was trying to express, that quote is one of the most inspirational and gorgeous quotes ever to leave someones lips. However, when this rule is applied to Hollywood, it doesn't work out so well. As anyone who wasn't just getting over a hangover and furiously chewing gum to remove the taste of hooker spit and gasoline out of their mouths could tell you there are MANY good reasons "why not". But, none of those people had the balls to speak up when it came time to pitch the TV show for...

Where's Waldo

Who didn't love Waldo as a kid? The Where's Waldo (or Wally, as he is addressed in his home nation, Australia) books were a phenomenon in the early 90s in which the reader had to find a nerd named Waldo who held steadfast to the theory that he would be the initiator of the candy cane craze. These few books produced video games, toys, magazines, posters, and other shoddy merchandise. Waldo was so popular, the producers of this show probably could have used its entire advertising budget to wipe their asses.

Where's Waldo got adapted into a Saturday morning cartoon featuring the eponymous, bespectacled lad that ran from the year 1991 to about 12 weeks later in 1991. To answer your first question, yes, they did have a segment that featured a freeze frame where home viewers could stare at the screen for a full 60 seconds and try to find Waldo. This true to the game practice was offered twice per episode. So what did they do for the other 20 minutes? A lot of goddamn dicking around that noone really cared for. Waldo and Woof (his dog, if you didn't know) traveled through time and space helping out people they met and usually trying to recapture his magic walking stick that was stolen by his arch nemesis, Odlaw. Most people have a love of television because it can adapt a long book into a short, easily digested work. I would state how that isn't necessary for a book like Where's Waldo here and now, but the only people that wouldn't be completely aware of this in the first place would be people who randomly stumbled upon this webpage after hours of slapping their dicks on their keyboard.

Ferris Bueller

Do you remember Parker Lewis Can't Lose? I sure as hell do. In fact, the guy that played Kubiak owns the cafe that once housed my high school crew's fallback hangout spot (useless info, but that piece of information is NOWHERE to be found outside of people that are in the know, so I just let it fly). Parker Lewis Can't Lose was a pretty forgettable sitcom that aired on Fox in the early 90s. It produced no memorable stars (except for maybe the aforementioned Abraham Benrubi) and is pretty much just another moderately successful show on a network that noone really payed any mind. Well, Ferris Bueller was basically a shittier version of THAT show. A show that already had a fan base because of the movie. A show that had Jennifer Aniston. And it was still canceled in 4 months. To be fair, Parker Lewis actually had lower ratings than Ferris, but in the early years of the Fox network, the executives considered a success anything that didn't call for their public beheading.

'This is the tenth one letter we've got that DIDN'T have feces in it. A new record!
Ferris Bueller was of the exact same design of the John Hughes movie. Ferris is a sly high schooler who can con himself anything he wants. Except for a second season apparently. In a bizarre bit of self realization, the TV Ferris points out that the movie Ferris was unjust and fake and how disappointed he was at the casting of Matthew Broderick. He assures us that "this is tv, this is real". Which holds up well when you use it against your local grocer/corner store, expecting to steal from them with no more than a "Hey you forgot to pay for that" and a fist shake rather than a pair of handcuffs and aggressive sexual advances.

Mutant League

Mutant League Football was a video game on the Sega Genesis back in 1993 that, all things considered, had a surprisingly enjoyable and deep playing experience. It used the same engine as the Madden game of that year and it came along before Midway's successful, zany sports games of a similar concept (NBA Jam and NFL Blitz) to boot. While it may be fun to dismember someone with a vicious hit and drop people into lava pits on a space field, it really doesn't do so well to package it as a 22 minute cartoon, but as you know things like this don't seem to occur to people that would rather be doing E an and twirling glow sticks than thinking up ideas for cartoon shows.

The visual equivalent of twirling glow sticks
Yeah, a sports game where characters get killed on the reg, let's make that a linear and chronological show. The show simply took one faceless character from the game and gave him reason. The main character, Bones Justice, searches for his father and tries to bring fair play to the league. Also, they gave the mutants a "rejuvenator" which got rid of that whole tedious "death" notion. Not that ANY of this shit mattered. It was a cartoon, for Christ sake. They could have just as easily killed off every character every episode and brought them back for the next match and explained it by having the head writer filmed spreading his buttcheeks and laying down a big mud-monkey right on the floor.

I guess somethings are just worth having a long and complicated background. Specifically the reasons for being of an living skeleton who plays table tennis with in an electrified cage.

Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century

Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century is a show that, when researched for a humor column, required FAR more cross references, time, and trips to dictionary.com than I cared for. I'll spare you what I learned and tell you the basics. In an infinitely convoluted set of events, a descendant of Inspector Lestrade (another detective in the books) notices that the second banana of some asshole genetic scientist she has been chasing looks like Professor Moriarty, Sherlock Holmes's arch nemesis. Upon realizing that this is the reincarnated Moriarty, she decides to, and again, I won't go into the agonizingly retarded logic of how or why she did so instead of just, say, shooting the sonofabitch with a goddamn laser or something, decides to reincarnate Sherlock Holmes. Eventually her compudroid reads the old journals of Dr. Watson and emulates his personality and mannerisms, cause, y'know, that's how advanced computers are in the 22nd century. They are advanced enough to have sentient thought, but not advanced enough to choose which personality they take and will copy the personality of a spineless Brit who did nothing more than kiss an even more pretentiously British guy's ass.

They fuck around and solve mysteries in the 22nd Century. The end. There is a lot more to it, but I just can't get my head around how perplexing the idea is (not that any television show I watch is bound by laws of logic. How does Spongebob manage to take showers?). There would never be a time when bringing back some asshole from a time when the Ottoman Empire was still around and flying vehicles were laughed at would serve a purpose in solving crimes in the 22nd century. In fact, if he managed to stop shitting himself for three seconds due to the immense advances in technology and culture in 200 years, he would still have a great deal of trouble figuring out the functions of a multi-slice toaster.

Do I... do I stick my dick in it?

James Bond Jr.

Oh you muthafucking KNOW we weren't gonna get on for ridiculous television shows without mentioning one of my all time favorites. James Bond Junior was the nephew of the original James Bond who, just like his uncle, had to save the world (when in high school, no less). James Bond Junior was simply a cash in of the James Bond franchise that will seemingly have no end in sight. I would say that this was a silly/kid rehashing of the franchise that was highly unnecessary, but just look at this shit. Look at it! Oddball is now a LL Cool J style B-boy complete with Adidas track suit, breakin' gloves, and flat top WITH THE TIGER STRIPES IN THE SIDES. Jaws, the classic henchman from the 70s Bond movies who had metal teeth has been given a serious upgrade. This bitch has a goddamn metal jaw in the cartoon. If it wasn't cool enough already, they give it a campy theme song. To this day, I get half mast when I hear that guitar rip after the "James Bond Jr." Check it and tell me I'm not right.

/post, bitch.

Music videos you may have missed

2009-02-26T16:52:00.004-05:00

This is turning into a music blog really quickly, isn't it? Actually, it is because I wanted to purge myself of some ideas that I always had for this site and due to the work load of the last few days, we are still in the "lets just dust off some old ideas" phase.

Point is, you never see music videos anymore. Do artists still make them? Well, yes. If you are blessed with the FUSE network or endlessly search the internet for music videos of your favorite artists, you know they still do. While most music videos have not progressed since the dark ages of the 80s, where you simply get the band jamming out in a cool setting to one of their songs or a short film about the song that really isn't that great, there are some that are worthy of being appreciated. For example:

Justin Timberlake - My Love

I am a sucker for dance and great choreography. In fact, I was just gonna do great dance videos, but I decided to branch out. The song is kind of hit and miss. Most people either like it or loathe it. This video is simplistic, opting for the monochromatic look and a just a few camera tilts to emphasize the dancers. The quick cuts and some of the splicing really are a treat. The actual song gets going at about the 1:40 mark:

Beck - Girl

This one is pretty obvious. I have always been impressed by the foresight of people that can create those mad magazine fold outs. This is an entire video of them.

Audioslave - Cochise

This was Audioslave's first single and really jumped out and told you what they were gonna be all about. I love the lighting effects on this one. Predominantly silhouettes with every once and a well placed while, we see the bands faces. The well timed pyrotechnics really elevate the sense of fury that comes with this song.

An album review: Universal Mind Control

2009-02-26T02:06:00.004-05:00

Out of request and necessity, I present to you another album review. This time up we have Common's Universal Mind Control. This album marks Common's third album produced under the G.O.O.D. Music label, the house built by Kanye West. This fact, more than any other, accounts for most of the publicity and buzz that has been circling the Chicago native's music since his 2005's Be. Before that album, Common's largest commercial success was Like Water for Chocolate, which rose to #16 on the Billboard charts.

Don't let the Zune commercials fool you (in fact, don't let any commercial that the PR dicks at Microsoft fool you. Remember the longevity and charisma of the Seinfeld ads?); this album does have some decidedly fun, if not disjointed tracks. Most of the hip-hop community knows that having Chad Hugo and Pharrell Williams, colloquially known as the Neptunes, lay down tracks for your album means you are gonna get something, in a word, different. Such is the case with the majority (seven of ten, for those counting) of Universal 's tracks. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it just really makes for a Jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none kind of ride. This is very uncharacteristic of Common's discography and is sort of a disservice to one of his great qualities: storytelling. Common gives you just enough of stipped down, lunch-table-in-high-school, simplicity on tracks like "Punch Drunk Love". He delivers just enough beautifully synthesizer-heavy beats on tracks like "Inhale" and "What a World". He puts out just enough hard pounding, unrelentingly militant sounds on tracks like "Gladiator" and "Announcement". Just enough. Just enough for you to say it is there and done well, but not enough for you to put a full world together. Not enough to say he killed it. As you progress through the tracks, you come to feel very teased by them. Each offering a path which Common could just as easily take you down and give you a great experience, but rather than expand, he seems just content enough giving you a sample of what can be in each realm. Infuriating. To his credit, none of the tracks seem stale and offer their own individual pleasures. I was particularly enamored with "Make My Day" which features Cee-Lo giving the album a very funky sound that his Gnarls Barkley group is known for. It worked surprisingly well.

As I spin through the tracks over and over again, searching in vain for some sort of coherence, I find that it is useless. Common's story telling ability is as much a part of his albums as the actual beats and lyrics. Universal's the lack of a sprawling tale with a message puts this in a much lower eschelon of Common albums. While not completely disappointing, taking the Chicago out of the poet (poet out of Chicago?) gives us a rather unremarkable end product.

As always if you want to *ahem* purchase the album you may do so here. But be warned, you may want to do some adjusting to the bass levels and the gain when importing/putting it on another form of media (and of course, certified by me)

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-02-24T04:59:00.004-05:00

Yeah, I usually don't like to post Craigslist finds, but sometimes, they seem pretty rich. If you don't have a job right now, don't sweat it. The economy is BAD. This guy is realizing that.

Originally Posted: Tue, 2 Dec 22:34 CST

Fine, Don't Fucking Hire Me, You Can't Handle My Shit

Date: 2008-12-02, 10:34PM CST

What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am fucking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Cover Letter? Here's my fucking cover letter!
Now, I'm really low on money, and I'll suck a dick if I have to...that's right!
Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I'll fight that motherfucker and I'll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO! What'd you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I'll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That's how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you're not cool with that? I'll de-gay him with reverse buttsex. Don't believe me?! Then hire me and I'll fucking show you!

OBJECTIVE
I need a motherfuckin job.

SHIT I HAVE DONE
-I invented the moon.
-Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom's vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
-I am also a wolverine.
-Had sex with the Spice Girls.
-The blowjob machine was originally my idea until that bastard Clint Eastwood stole it.
-I have prophetic visions of the apocolypse.
-Watched the movie "Juwanna Mann" at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
-Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the microrave.
-I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
-When I was 8, a frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
-My brother is the Eiffel Tower
-Direct descendant of Beowulf
-Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment
-Beat my pornography addiction when I was 19
-Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop

RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people

GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet(I am internet savvy), good at filing...documents of hate.

REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com

Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com

So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.

Sincerely,

Steve Madonna
stevemadonnayeah@gmail.com

remember.....anything.

Location: Chicago
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 942873935

The Hookup

2009-02-24T04:45:00.004-05:00

This will probably turn into a regular segment as well, but we'll see how it goes.

Any of you sitting on your duffs? Feeling like conning someone out of something? Well, a free Quizno's sandwich is all yours if you sign up for their BS marketing email flyer. Where is the rub? Well, they are gonna email you a bunch of junk, so you would do best to send it to a spam account you use to get free stuff like this that you don't mind getting filled with coupons and shit. But if you even if you don't, you can opt out of it. What else? Well it is only for a " Free sub is either a small Quiznos Signature sub or Every Day Value sub." So nothing too fancy, but hey, free food!!!

Late night infomercials need basic math skills

2009-02-24T03:05:00.004-05:00

I have seen this commercial many times on late night television.

It actually tends to pump me up about my daily boatwashing/removing a full gallon of liquid from my carpet. The way my man Vince pimps this product, I am fully expecting it to cure my addiction to meth. On a side note, Vince is somewhat unsettling. I mean, Billy Mays is a jolly old bearded man who just seems like he drinks to much. Vince is more like a wall street shark that would be your best friend on Monday then sell you out for a twenty ounce Dr. Pepper on Wednesday. Anyway, I was all about this commercial. I was only seconds away from dialing that number in "the next twenty minutes" so I could get my bonus shamwows (cause, you know they aren't sitting on a pile of those fuckers that will eventually have to be buried in the desert along with the Atari 2800 ET game and Action: The complete series DVDs) but I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard Vince say something so mind-bogglingly idiodic that I could not bring myself to order his marvelous wundercloth. He claims that the average person is gonna spend $20 a month on paper towels. Dude, you had me. Why did you have to throw out such an obvious lie? I don't know where this guy gets his diamond encrusted paper towels at, but I buy mine for under $2 a roll. How could a person POSSIBLY spend $20 a month on paper towels? I beat my junk worse than Seth MacFarlane beats a joke and I still don't use more than... $2 a month. Exactly where is that math coming from? What are you drying that causes you to spend that much in paper towels a month? If you are spending that much on paper towels a month, why did you never have a desire to do anything about it? Though, if you are spending $20 a month on paper towels, you probably are more concerned with other matters, like making sure your gold toilet gets re-bronzed every week, paying Jamie Kennedy to run errands for you, and buying Bling H20. This kind of thoughtless disregard for math brings to mind other commercials that assume humans have somehow devolved into little more than meat with eyes (Magic Jack, I'm looking at you), but this one just keeps slamming me in the face with its cocky attitude that I have no clue about how much anything costs and that the words that are said during an advertisement are no more than clicks and noises there to attract the attention of the dimwitted masses. Fuck you, Vince. I heard what you said. I am not buying your goddamn Shamwow (or your Slap Chop) because you apparently failed Econ 101. A class that I slept through Sophomore year and got a B in. And I'm an idiot.

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-02-23T00:59:00.006-05:00

Jesus Christ I am a bum. Been hard at work trying to post my performance from Crackers on here. Rooftop is kinda shafting me. I probably will not be posting the performance from PSUB on Friday, that one was BRUTAL to say the least (even though I think it was them and not so much me). My ego took a huge hit on that one, so I need a minute to shake that off. Also, simply doing multiple shows of different kinds of material was a lot to manage along with school, business, and life. Ugh, so I am just now getting back into the swing of things and hopefully will be making some quality bullshitting for you guys to dine on. I love doing it, I just haven't been able to give it the proper amount of time. Also, this is a big week for birthdays. So happy birthday to those of you born in this incredibly shitty month. You will be getting no more than a call from me cause A) I can't come visit you on your birthday B) You are my father and are stubborn about taking gifts C) I don't actually give a shit about you anyway. So, figure out which category you are in and mill over it (I'm hoping only one person will fall under example "B").

That was a lot for a NSS opening. Anyway, I think I stopped watching TV stations that advertise for Skittles and Starburst (and to a lesser extent Snickers) a while back. Let's face it, [adult swim] ain't what it used to be back in the early 2000s when I was in high school. Nevertheless, the M&M Mars company is still using it's incredibly creative and weird commercials to sell their teeth ruining, soul stealing candy in order to launder money from all the blow they run from Bolivia to Virgina [citation needed]. This one took a second for me to catch and I needed to see it twice, but I just thought it looked so cool and a bit weird. Let this one load entirely so you can really enjoy.

An album review: 808s & Heartbreak

2009-02-17T12:29:00.002-05:00

At a time in my life, I said I wanted to create a blog. It was going to be a random smattering of all my varied intrests. It has since become Beyond Last Call and morphed into nothing but a haven for dick jokes (sorry). Anyway, to break away from that format, I present one of the things I said I would do: album reviews, so I have one for you this month. Not too many things have been on the can't wait list. I was given the last John Legend album as a gift, Chris Cornell's collaboration with Timbaland is a month away, and Outkast's latest project is still in limbo. One of the few things I was anticipating months in advance was Kanye West's album 808s & Heartbreak.

If T-Pain is in love with his vocoder, Kanye West proves on this album that he is talking about wedding plans with his. West's love for dramatic, futuristic styles has been prevalent on his albums ever since Late Registration and he has been growing out from his gospel and R&B roots ever since then. If you heard Graduation, you kind of know where 808s is going: more synthesized and more indie rock. Think Justice and Daft Punk (two of Kanye'sbigger influences as during the time of this album). The mood of this album is incredibly somber. West broke up with his longtime girlfriend/fiancee in 2008 (hence the heartbreak aspect of the album) and his venomous remarks and heavy heart lead his artwork here. The pain is almost palpable on tracks (give "Heartless" and "Coldest Winter" a listen) and they give a sense of gravity (and much needed humility) to his work like that was not seen on any of his previous works. So, with his new found techno beats and emotional anguish, does Kanye give us something that will be in our CD players for a month straight?

Unfortunately, no. This album, with all the fresh, new quirks, still leaves you desiring something. And that something is a great musical experience. I think this album should be heralded as a great expression of an artist's emotions. I think that in the right context, this album is a fine choice. As I listen to it right now, I find that the unwaverving adherence to the vocoder and Debbie-downer songwriting makes for a very dissatisfying listening experience. There are some tracks here that have the could be in remarkable. In a compendium of Kanye tracks, "Robocop" and "See You in my Nightmares" would be incredible examples of Kanye's amorphous style. As it stands, they are just above average tracks that float in a sea of repetition that can't bring this album into the "good" status. In short, Kanye gave up his trademark dynamic sound for a dozen tracks that blur together like the levels of a tiresome videogame: it's pretty fun and entertaining, until you realize that is all there is to it.

If you wanna check it yourself, you can *wink* purchase it here *wink* (Yeah, the link is clean. Certified by me.)

The Simpsons new title sequence

2009-02-15T19:44:00.002-05:00

Sorry for what may be the most unthought out post in history, but I only have 15 minutes from the second we are speaking to gather my thoughts, report and view this. I have not caught up on The Simpsons in years. I saw the movie in 2007 and that was surprisingly okay. But ever since the DVDs started dropping and around Christmas time, most of the seasons go on crazy sale (one year I just dropped like $80 and bought almost every season up to that point) I have had all the episodes I loved forgot about and wanted right above my TV. Also, the few times I did check the show out, it was HORRIBLE. Yeah, I said it, horrible. It was sunk behind Family Guy and South Park in the race for dominant animated show and has resorted to really lame gags and stupid chicanery (twice in a day) to reel in viewers. All the faithful were appalled. Most of my faithful have yet to even buy season 11. It's out there, we have the loot, we just don't really have the deisre. Anyway some things in American pop culture are just iconic. I would assume, even without watching the show for the last 6 seasons, it would just be there. Well, mindfreak, The Simpsons, after 19 years and 400+ episodes changed it's classic opening. Makes sense, some of the characters that were around in 89 are not anywhere near as prevalent in 09. Hell Bleeding Gums Murphy is in the OG credits and he has been dead for over a decade. Now we get to see Disco Stu and Apu and the octuplets in the intro. See for yourselves. All right. I gotta get going, thoughts later, cuz it is almost showtime:

Forgotten dreams and losing time

2009-02-15T15:59:00.007-05:00

Well, bros and hos, I have got to get back to standard fare this week. Have some shows coming up and have been practicing and writing a lot for the last week. I have had so many (what I think) are good ideas. Then again, I think I may have dreamed them. I am almost on top of things so, I better stop fucking around and doing hard things on this website and do some cake posts that will be just as entertaining. As always, don't forget to check out my partners and friends (they are good sources of inspiration, so I gotta give them props). Made some tweaks to the site, updated my performances schedule (not very far into the future, but I diiiiiid it), and will be posting this week's performances in shortly. I think I have done justice to all my sponsors for a week. On to fun bizzznasss:

	Life indeed sucks, but when life happens to someone else, it's hilarious
	The blue ball machine is not what you think it is, but it is cool to watch for a while
	Seriously, this is just about EVERY tv theme song from EVERY show EVER. Yeah, they even have Cro, so you know it's deep
	A first look at Sony's newest technological wonder
	Google insight proves there is no hope for humanity
	Could you possibly be stupid enough to need these guides?

The entrapment: Vol 10

2009-02-15T00:54:00.004-05:00

Obviously, these blogs go backwards, so make sure you are reading these suckers in the proper order or you'll be all lost.

From: BLC
Subject: Last chance
To: Joelle
Date: Saturday, February 14, 2009, 10:11 PM

Joelle,

So, I guess this is it. I am down to the last ditch effort. All I can say is that if this does not work I will officially swear off women. I have sent you a series of pictures of me in my sexiest of poses. If this does not give you reason to date me, then I officially quit.

Seeing as how I know the response I am going to get, I have stolen your cat and took a shit on your porch. So suck that. Happy fucking Valentine's day.

-BLC

Of course, if you haven't realized it by now, this is all just bullshit and chicanery. If that is a real term. But I just wanted to try some different type of comedy. Just something to test the waters. It played out better in my mind, but it was a LOT harder than it looks to do such a dumb concept of how painfully stupid one guy could be when it comes to the women. Anyway. For all you real lovers out there, Happy Valentine's Day! I gotta take a break cause this whole 10 day madness wore me out and I have shows coming up.

-BLC

The entrapment: Vol 9

2009-02-15T00:53:00.002-05:00

Ok, I was just bullshitting in the last email. I decided to send a real email expressing how I felt:

From: BLC
Subject: The truth
To: Joelle
Date: Saturday, February 14, 2009, 9:45 AM

Joelle,

Okay. So admittedly, I don't know what to do when I meet up with women. This is the best I got. I just love you sooooooo much and I am willing to do anything to make you my one and only. I know that you don't care for me much anymore, but seriously, this time, I have done everything right. I will be respectful. I will be loving. I will even trim my pubic area. I also know you don't like the fact that I say "fuck" all the time, well I will even give up that for a moderate amount of time. If this is still not to your liking, I will even buy you that stupid present you have always wanted... you know, a father. I'll even get you one of those. I just miss you so much and want you so bad.

-BLC

The entrapment: Vol 8

2009-02-13T20:02:00.004-05:00

Ok, I have been getting a lil upset with my Valentine's day quest, and I just said fuck it and got some things off my chest. I did some things I have been known to do in my times of poor judgment and I just wanted to come clean, cause I am bad at hiding these things from people and I always feel awful about them. I sent three letters to her in succession, and you can read them here.

From: BLC
Subject: So WTF???
To: Joelle
Date: Friday, February 13, 2009, 11:45 AM

Joelle,

So, obviously I have done something to upset you. I can see that. I think you may have figured out that I fingered your friend Jackie. I did. Well, fuck you. How about that. I don't fucking care anymore! You are a bitch and I hope you get what is coming to you. No one will love you cause you take good people and fuck with them. I only wish I could show everyone how heartless you are. It takes a whole lot of shitty person to turn guys into assholes that fuck around with your best friend. Well, think about that when I am something one day and you wish you had me. Go to hell.

-BLC

From: BLC
Subject: Maybe we both should be sorry?
To: Joelle
Date: Friday, February 13, 2009, 12:01 PM
Joelle,

Ok, I know I just sent you that email about Jackie and I said I was sorry. Well, it occurred to me that you COULDN'T have found out about Jackie. So this ignoring me thing must be in retaliation for making out with Meghan. For THAT, I am sorry and I wish I could take it back, cause she was not nearly as cool as you. In fact, she is kind of a skank anyway. Also, if you are ignoring me cause I called you a bitch to your friend (if you didn't know, I called you a bitch to your friend, sorry), I am sorry. I just wanted to make you jealous because you didn't come to Jake's last weekend and had me looking like an ass. So you fucked me over, now I had my retribution. It's done. Now that everything is done and over with let's be cool again.

-BLC

From: BLC
Subject: I'm sorry.
To: Joelle
Date: Friday, February 13, 2009, 12:09 PM

Joelle,

Ok, I really need you to ignore the two messages from me below this one. DON'T read them. They are me just prattling on about unrelated topics. Now, I know you are ignoring me as punishment for saying your sister was hot, but I didn't know it meant that much to you. I talked to Jackie just today (and I swear that is all we did) and she told me how upsetting it is when people revere your sister. I mean, I just said it to be a wise ass, please don't hate me. I really like you and would never do anything to upset you.

-BLC

If she was stupid enough to truly not read the first two, then I'd be pretty dumbfounded, but for all intents and purposes, I am fucking finished. Oh well, she ignored me and I have been really lonely up here and I macked her two friends. Who really lost in the big scheme of things? Any other updates will come as follows.

-BLC

The entrapment: Vol 7

2009-02-12T16:53:00.002-05:00

So, I figure the whole thing is a bust, but I threw out another message, just for shits:

From: BLC
Subject: Ring the bell
To: Joelle
Date: Thursday, February 12, 2009, 4:25 PM

Joelle,

'Sup. I think you may be ignoring me, I get that. You are like more of the badass type of guy. Whatever. I just want to hear from you. I just want to know that I should stop sending these messages before things get all weird. I know that the kiss we had was kind of awkward, but it really did make my pants tight. I think me saying that may have disturbed you more than I realized, so for that, I am sorry, but I still think I should get a call back. You know, just to see if you're still pissed about me saying your ex was a girly-man and that you like to date girls. I mean, if you do, I'd be cool with that and we could just be friends. Or I could be the on that turns you back onto guys. I think I just called you a lesbian, that was mean. But I just wanted to throw that out there in case some of my fantasies were going to come true.

-BLC

The entrapment: Vol 6

2009-02-12T02:12:00.002-05:00

Ugh, I'm tired. But I just wanted to keep you all abreast of my growing insanity. And I also just wanted to have an excuse to write the word "abreast". Tee hee.

From: BLC
Subject: Real talk
To: Joelle
Date: Wednesday, February 11, 2009, 11:45 PM

Baby Joey,

What's up? Just me, your madman in a sane man's clothing. I've just been, kinda stressed as of late. I haven't been able to talk to anyone. At least in the flesh. I talk to my friends on the reg, but you know, it is nice to have someone there to actually see and touch and hold and such. The last few messages were just me kinda making sure to keep in touch. I never really got the chance to tell you I like you and I think you are a really cool girl. I just wanted to be forthright and tell you that before this got into a situation like I the last couple of girls I had a thing for. I totally fucked things up with them cause I am dense. But, I promised myself I wouldn't do that with the next girl that I like. I'm not saying we have to get married or anything, we should just roll with this. I have been a lil behind on things cause I have been walking around with that stupid look on my face when I think about you. I want you to feel the same way about me, but I just don't know about all that shit. I'm not much of a people person, but I think you may be someone that may get me over all the other fuck up I have made. There, I said it.

-BLC

Is that good? I figured I'd just say it and fucking regret it rather than miss the chance and regret not doing it. Cause if I fucked it up by doing it, then I will at least know that she didn't give a shit in the first place.

The entrapment: Vol 5

2009-02-11T12:59:00.003-05:00

Quick blurb: Any of you that read this, know that you can get a free pass to see me in Indianapolis at the Broad Ripple Crackers here. Cuts out the $10 admission, but you still have to buy two items and make reservations. Oh, and I get paid 15 cents by my sponsors every time I mention it, so don't forget to comment, digg, and check my friends sites. Anyway, keeping you updated, here is more on my Valentine's Day special because I want to prove to myself that I am not crazy when I say people jerk you around (even though she could jerk... Ah hell, you know where I am going with this):

From: BLC
Subject: Yarrrrgh....
To: Joelle
Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 9:32 PM

Hey Joey Jo Jo,

Haven't heard from you in a while. Just wanted to make sure you were getting my messages. I feel like such a toolbox for hitting you up via email more than the phone, but I know that you are more likely to see your email than answer your phone, so I guess I gotta feel like a toolbox. Anyway, I hope all is well. I still don't know if things are okay with you. We were supposed to meet up on friday, and I haven't heard from you since. I mean, for all I know you could have been kidnapped by some lunatic bio psych student and taken back to their lab and experimented on. Never to be the same Joelle that I know and tolerate. Whatever the case, hit me back when you get this, because I just want to see how you are doing, regardless of anything else.

-BLC

One more day and I'm Craigslisting the pack of trident she left in my car. 24 hours, baby.

The entrapment: Vol 4

2009-02-10T15:30:00.004-05:00

Ai'ght. An update into my study of women. I decided to cleanse my soul of dickery. Well, as much as I can, and write Joelle another email regarding my shenanigans of Friday night. She hasn't contacted me since Thursday, so this indicates that... women don't like free drinks? I don't know, but I post this email, just because I have gone this far and feel the need to go further and I have a feeling I will need to publicly embarass her in the coming weeks, so you will have context when I put up a pic of her falling face first into a snow bank.

From: BLC
Subject: Sorry about the email
To: Joelle
Date: Monday, February 9, 2009, 11:13 PM

Joelle,

So, if you couldn't tell, I was a lil bit tipsy when I wrote you last. You know I am not good at saying sorry, cause I never am, but I'm sorry. I don't know what the hell possessed me to write you that. I was just, you know, worried or something, but still a lil upset. Well, now that I have that stupid shit out of the way, let's talk this week. Coffee and discussing philosophies? You know you are totally game for it. Call me.

-Thomas

Update for you (and an archiving of progress) as soon as it becomes availible.

There need to be name changes in sports

2009-02-10T00:58:00.003-05:00

That right there is the NFC Champion Arizona Cardinals Defensive End Antonio Smith. He stands 6'4" and weighs 285 pounds. This is a mammoth human being. He along with his teammates almost were the winners of SuperBowl XLIII a week ago. But they weren't, and no one ever remembers who LOST the big match. You remember who Mike Tyson beat the shit out of in his career? No, of course you don't, then again, the people who Mike Tyson beat up don't remember losing to Mike Tyson either cause I am pretty sure they are sitting in a wheelchair with permanent brain damage. Well, I watched that game and was fairly entertained and not by the commercials (which were actually pretty lame). One thing that jumped out at me, that just seemed... off was what happened after Cardinals DE Darnell Dockett got a sack on the Steeler's QB: He flexed. That would be all good. I wouldn't care one bit about such show boating. In fact, I have been known to casually pelvic thrust in the face of my competitors during a Halo 2 match. The only reason I care is that stupid glyph on the side of Dockett's helmet. A chipper looking cardinal. Dude, I don't give a damn how hard you are and what else is going on in your world. You just can't be that tough if your team name and symbol you use is a cardinal. Eddie "flower bed" Miles, a local drug lord, didn't even get away with it, and he could bend bears in half with his steel hands. (Yes, you read that right). So, with this in mind, I went through all 122 teams of the NHL, NFL, NBA, and MLB to see which teams were in violation of a clear man law of having retarded names.

First and foremost in our list, straight fuck the Blue Jackets. If anyone has ever been to Columbus, Ohio you know what I am talking about. That is a shitty town with a shitty bus station. At least in downtown Indy and Chicago, they have a scenic window to look out of when you get tired of stating at piss-stained walls. How the hell they ended up with a franchise in the first place is beyond me. I guess it is just fitting that they have a worthless team that has a terrible name. Now, as for the others, I am gonna let the patriotic shit slide cause, well, I kinda get it. The Knick(erbocker)s, Patriots, Capitals, Yankees, Nationals, etc. There is SOME kind of depth to them and besides, if you didn't know, the Philadelphia 76ers are named in honor of Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson, who ran two-on-two games and broke motherfucker's ankles with their sick crossovers.

Game, BITCH! Who's got next?
Baseball teams in particular make little to no sense, but we are gonna let most of them go because baseball is a sport that is deeply rooted in tradition, weird nonsense, and basing the name of your club on the color of stockings your team wears. Which, incidentally, led to many confused boys walking into Victoria's Secret as boys and leaving as much, MUCH more confused boys. Whatever, baseball is all screwy in that sense. So it does as much good to call the Reds and Mets on their names as it would to start an internet anti-piracy ad campaign at Michigan State's dormitories. By the by, I am aware that there are baseball Cardinals in St. Louis and that kind of makes for a double standard to this entire article, but to be honest, baseball is not a sport that needs the excessively agressive names. I mean, baseball injuries are usually of this nature:

While football injuries tend to be:

I won't however, give a pass to the Phillies. You may ask yourself what a Philly is, cause, you know, it wouldn't be something as obvious as just a regular fucking person from Philadelphia. That'd be too goddamned idiotic. But, lo and behold, they give us a team named after the place they play. That's clever. And inspiring. I suppose I am glad that the team was named in 1890. If they were named for anything describing the city from 1980 and on, well, let's just say you'd have a lot less people showing up for the Philadelphia Herpes free give away day. But at least herpes is something you don't wanna mess with. It beats the shit out of modern science, so I'd much rather be a scorching case of herpes than a philly. Bottom line? Philadelphia, lets get a change in here. How about something to reflect your ugly residents? How about the Philadelphia Ogres?

Up north, Ottawa's NHL team is named the Senators. Yes, that should fall into the "nationalism" category listed above (Ottawa is the capital of Canada), but at least ours don't conjure up images of Saxby Chambliss skating around and punching Ted Kennedy. Hell, maybe that is what how they govern up there in Canada and they have found a way to make government exponentially cooler in Canada.

Senator McGregor and Senator Tibbs debate propsition 232
But as far as I (and most Americans) know, the only way coming face to face with a senator could be slightly intimidating if he tied us up and told us he had a six-shooter, four bullets, and a problem with counting to high numbers. Let's get a new name for our buddies in Ottawa. How about the Ottawa Judges. Another branch and a lot more kickass when you crush a players skull in and say "I sentence you to 40 years...of brain damage!!!!".

Also, Vancouver and Montreal, you are going to lose your team rights permanently if you ever name your clubs after the people that reside in your city. I suppose it is just like the Phillies up there, but even MORE generic. Vancouver and Montreal have clubs named the Canucks and Canadiens, respectively. It's bad enough that the players are Canadian, don't make them wear it on their jerseys. Also, Vancouver, learn what a Canuck is. It is a person from Canada. Not an obviously racist whale in black-face being extracted from a Go-Gurt tube.

Vancouver, you chose to name your team after the people of your nation. Not specific people, just anyone who is a citizen of your country. Pimps, whores, and pedophiles alike. Awesome. Here's a thought. The great northwest. You have lots of trees up there. How about the Vancouver Lumberjacks or Vancouver Big Ass Mother Fucking Trees? Worked for Toronto and the Maple Leaf.

It took me roughly 13 years or so to grasp that the Buffalo Bills was a play on "'Buffalo' Bill Cody". That whole thing doesn't make a lick of sense. One, there are no cowboys in upstate New York except for male prostitutes. Two, Buffalo is the city in which they play. Their team is basically named the Buffalo Bills. That primarily makes them no cooler than the pothead who just helped me find the finger paints at Target. Be the Buffalo Buffalos for all I give a shit. That way your dumb asses wouldn't have to change anything other than the name as I suspect that doing anything more would cause the owner's mind be overloaded with logic. Keeping with the pioneer theme how about the Buffalo Frontiersman in honor of the fact anything in New York that is not Manhattan is basically the wild west to New Yorkers anyway. I would end this off by adding the Miami Dolphins to the list, but I love the Dolphins and dolphins have been known to kill for fun. That's gangsta shit. None of that pussy killer whale "all talk and no killing" crap. Lesson learned today kids? Get a bitchin name for your team, and don't FUCK with dolphins.

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-02-08T14:48:00.003-05:00

Fuck me, friends. Yeah, I have let you all down, and I wanted to get my post up before I had to take off today, but I guess we are just going to have to settle. Be back after life and school get caught up, oh well. Anyway, this is quite a few years old, but it still is one of the best animations on the web. There are more in the series (up to 9, I think) but this is the best of the bunch. Better than a lot of movies in this modern world.

The entrapment: Vol 3

2009-02-07T09:44:00.003-05:00

Ok, boys and girls, a quick update cause I this shit is funnier then hell. So, last night, I arrived at Jake's at a gentlemanly hour (11:00pm) and waited for a certain someone. Well, after they didn't show, I called and texted. Oh, boo hoo. That is not why I post this. This is a humor website, so I only post funny shit. However, in the rare times I get drunk enough to do stupid shit, I tend to communicate in the most entertaining and illogical ways. So, I don't even REMEMBER sending this, but it wound up as the first page I saw this morning and I kinda chuckled.

From: BLC
Subject: Did I miss you?
To: Joelle
Date: Saturday, February 7, 2009, 12:39 AM

hey Joelle,

fuck, really... Where were you tonight Didn't see you down at jakes tonight. or where else?" cause thta is where I ewnt after a few hours of waiting. I just want to say WTF???/ , you know.@!#!!! Sorry, I mean....

Ya, so what I wanted to say was... You didn't do anything rong. i'm really sorry about that atime i said the medusa thig. Fuck that was stuupid. Aynway...

I'm I still love you, I hope your ok. or something. I don't know.

-Thomas

FYI, the "medusa thig" is a nod to a hot woman being able to make you hard just from staring at you. You can use that one, if you like, kiddies. It's on me. Anyway, this looks like it could be fun. I'll keep you updated on all such humorous events that transpire between me and my better judgement.

-BLC

2009-02-05T18:02:00.003-05:00

A famous man once quipped, "If you don't know me by now, then you'll never know". I don't want that to be our relationship, lovely readers. If you DON'T know me, then you don't know exactly where my psychotic mind and short attention span tend to get their jollies and it is time to explain. One show that I LOVE almost more than anything in the world is the [adult swim] sensation "Robot Chicken". It is an assualt on pop culture and media nonsense with an emphasis on quantity and stupid puns. One of the most terrific things it does is have approximately 2 second sketches. No exaggeration. No real set up. No long winded explaination, just take it or leave it comedy. Well, I had just been thinking about a few of my favorite sketches from that show and wanted to see if I could amass half a dozen 2 second clips. I don't exactly know why they make me laugh so much or why they will make you laugh (if you don't laugh, you are probably a baby-punting, Christmas-hating bastard) but just get a load of these sketches and try not to giggle at the absurdity of them:

The entrapment: Vol 2

2009-02-05T13:54:00.008-05:00

Ok, loyal readers. Didn't want to bog you down with shit, but an update is warranted. I got this email this morning and felt I had to post it. Is she really trying to beat me at my own game? I am not sure, but a woman that can call you on your shit, be a tease, and burn you in all of 7 lines of dialogue is a rare find.

From: BLC
Subject: The man with golden piano wire
To: Joelle
Date: Thursday, February 5, 2009, 12:56 AM

Joelle,

Well, as you could have assumed, I am up in the middle of the night, pretending to do my Bio homework. Seeing as it is getting harder and harder to put that off, I decided to go ahead and throw you that Flobots album that I had just lying around. Hope you had some semblance of fun tonight and we have GOT to do this again. None of that "oh yeah, one day we will" "Oh, I remember this person and we had some good times in the past maybe if the stars align, we'll meet up" crap. Let's set something up. And I SWEAR I am an even better dancer when I have had about 5 Vodka & Cranberries (my weapon of choice) in me. I'll give you a call.

From: Joelle
Subject: Re: The man with golden piano wire
To: BLC
Date: Thursday, February 5, 2009, 9:56 AM

Aren’t you supposed to wait 2 days or something before you contact me again?? Weirdo.

Yaaayyy! Thank you for the album. Now I have someting to listen to in between classes. I totally needed it too because I need some sunshine on these craptastically cold days.

I agree, we should get together sometime soon. My friend works at Jake’s, so we could probably get every thrid drink or so free. (Really? Weapon of choice? Seeing as how you haven’t been laid in about FOREVER, I would have thought a rusty nail would be right up your alley. And FYI , I am a lot happier when I have a Boliermaker in me ; )

I think I have a shot. And I am taking it.

-BLC

This could be the sexiest entrapment ever

2009-02-05T01:35:00.002-05:00

So many questions have been raised tonight. My mind is running and I have so many things that I will ponder as I will no doubt lay awake in my bed tonight. I ask my loyal readers of the fairer sex: do you natuarally become more outgoing as February 14th rolls around? Is their something on that extra X chromosome that lowers your standards during the early parts of the year? And is that the same logic that prevails when the bartender screams "last call" and you have realized that nothing better than the 6s that are in the bar at that very moment are gonna come around? Isn't there such a thing as "leagues"? My prior 23 years of life led me to understand that most girls are out of my league for one reason or another. I was, for every moment up until tonight, convinced that my only romantic conquests came out of pity and a hypno-coin ordered out of the back of a Spectacular Spider-Man comic. Tonight, I came no closer to answering any of those questions, but I did come a lot closer to having a reason to shave and put on a pair of clothes that isn't my red Freakazoid! onesie on a regular basis. Yeah, I met a woman and she doesn't have any horrendous fucked up flaws like being imaginary or anything. Now, usually, I am pretty misogynistic. I would much rather hang with the boys than be with my faboulous lady friends (which totally doesn't make me gay despite the fact that when with said boys, we smack each other's asses and play games titled Rachet & Clank: Going Commando). However, I met a young lady tonight that embodies all the things that make a woman the type you kinda want to let ruin your life.
I cannot stress enough how baffled I am as to why she decided to hang out with me at Steak n Shake for 2 hours. Maybe it was the fact that I was her ride and she didn't want to know what it was like walking 5 miles in the snow after eating a bowl full of laxitive (she had the chilli). Maybe it was the Hugo I was wearing. Maybe it was the simple fact that she hasn't been too lucky in love in the past 2 years and she doesn't want to lie about having yet another friend appearing on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire that asked her to be their phone-a-friend in order to get out of the Valentine's double date . At any rate, she decided to have dinner with me and we had a lot of fun. Now, I don't throw words like "connection" and "bonded" around, unless we are having a 007 marathon at my boy's house and we are making bad puns (in between smacking each other's asses), but I think that there was a "connection" tonight. I fully believe that this girl has made the decision in her mind to NOT be a complete bitch to me, a rare find for girls don't read this blog. And my friend Meghan.
Now, I am not that bright of a man. In all 100% honesty, I have fucked up with women more times in my short, dating life than I would ever care to say. Chances are, if you have seen a man at a bar in Indianapolis thrusting drink after drink upon a cute, bespectacled girl and her cockblocking friends, truly believing that it will produce something more than a lack of rent money and another night "liquidating my own inventory" you have probably seen me. Either that or if you have seen a drunk sitting quietly at the end of a bar, texting the ex who cheated on him messages about how they "made the perfect couple", you have seen me. I can only assume that this girl has some ulterior motive. Yeah, I may be a cynical asshole, but fuck it, that is what life has lead me to believe. Don't believe for a second, babe, that I am not on to you. I know you are just passing time til a better ship rolls into port, but I am overlooking your love the band Hinder, so we are both settling in a sense.
Valentine's day is close, so I figure I will have about 10 days to probe the inner goo of the female mind and answer some of the most vexing questions men of a particular demographic (that would be the ones who have 4 other browser tabs opened to porn right now) have about women. Yeah, potentially falling in love. The things I do to keep my readers entertained.

6 Products that have somewhat misleading names

2009-02-03T16:12:00.012-05:00

Local filmmaker Jeff Smith once lamented "titles are hard". How true that is. This is a list (Don'tcha just love these lists) of products that have unintentionally misleading names. It was hard to define just what I am talking about and how one got into the list and the other didn't, but go with me on this one. I looked at a product one way, and another person happened to see it a MUCH different and hilarious way. I don't know if marketing guys underestimate our childishness, or they are just pushing the envelope til the day comes where they can straight call a product that helps fight tartar "Asscheek sweat". Either way, these products came out with absolutely no foresight into what would happen if a silver tongued midwesterner with a semi weekly humor blog viewed them.

Wack Off

At first glance, one might think:
This was a tube of lubricant for self stimulation

In actuality it is:
Insect repellent

I am not quite sure what to say about this one. A little TOO obvious, methinks. This seems more like a office prank among the mail delivery guys that went on a little too far and now the product is on the market. I am just sleeping well tonight knowing that the actual product is insect repellent. With all that could go wrong with a misleading name like that, the worse outcome under the current circumstances would be that a man would pick this up off the shelves, slather it all over his manstick, and end up smelling like the guy a barbeque that was far too afraid of mosquito bites. There is no fear of bonding your hand to your wiener a la American Pie. There are no hazardous chemicals in it that would cause discomfort. The only negative effects would be that your cock would smell funny for a few hours. And considering you went to Walgreens to pick up some Wack Off, A Betty and Veronica Comic, and a two pack of 9 volt batteries (ALL of which to masturbate with) no one was going to see your dick in the near future anyhow.

Stud Finder

At first glance, one might think:
This device was newly divorced 40 year old women's way of not wasting time at bars trying to figure out which guy had the biggest penis.

In actuality it is:
A device that locates cross beams in your wall for hanging pictures

I will have to say, I didn't think of this in any other fashion than its acutal purpose til someone pointed it out to me. If you believe what shows like Desparate Houswives would try to tell you, you would think that the prayers of millions of newly single/slighty insane women had been answered directly. Also, if you believe what shows like Desparate Housewives teach you, you are probably thinking that your ability to be hot and bake will land you a multimillion dollar mansion in the burbs.
This took a lot of banging ugly guys to attain.

Well, turns out, you can't figure out which man will be the best lay by subtly going up to them, sticking this down their pants and seeing whether or not it beeps. But considering the demographic of the people who would think that was possible and their lack of grasp on new technology, I am rather surprised I haven't gone to more clubs in Downtown Indianapolis and seen women in their 40s jamming these things between the college kids legs. But in a counterpoint to all of this, Studfinder.com is a gay adult movie database. So the question is raised: which one IS the more applicable answer?

Kum & Go

At first glance, one might think:
A motel chain that specializes in hourly rates.

In actuality it is:
A chain of conveince/gas stations in the midwest.

Considering this is basically a travel plaza/truck stop, the prostituion (or at least a 30 second jerking session with some of that Wack Off insecticide up there) idea is not really lost here. Like all items on this list, it begs the question of why. There are so many words that could have been used to express the exact same point. Well, it turns out that the chain was founded by William Krause and Tony Gentle and they wanted to use their initials in the name of the store, so they decided to do a little play on words and developed the moniker we know today. Thankfully, they bought out their partner Johnathan Cider and avoided the horrors that could have been:

Baby Bologna

At first glance, one might think:
It is the wonderful cheap lunch meat made from delicious, delicious babies.

In actuality it is:
Regular bologna, with packaging creepiness ramped up to level 10.

Ok, so this product is basically standard bologna with a few exceptions. 1) It is usually made with veal (hence the reason it would be "baby") 2) Some companies actually decided to use "Baby" as their company name. How this would be useful in any industry other than actual baby care/products or pedophile trapper is beyond me. 3) They actually put a baby's picture on the product. Again, why this would be more appealing to anyone is beyond my comprehension. In fact, I could reasonably argue that the marketing for this product serves only the purpose of identifying people that are insane after they have consumed only 4 corpses. In the products defense, nobody is really being mislead by this advertisement, save those who enjoy a freshly ground toddler for lunch.

Hard Creamer

At first glance, one might think:
This is a male prostitute that ejaculates with incredible force

In actuality it is:
A cream based non carbonated malt beverage

If the "Smooth Lovin' '99" mixtape and the Axe bodyspray didn't subtly show that college freshman that you were attempting to have a minute and a half jackhammer session with her, breaking out these will stick a nuke in subtlety's mouth, shoot it 29 times, drag its body behind its car and let that car get hit...by a mountain. This product is named something fairly tame in all honesty. Hard = liquor, so that works. Creamer = creamy drink, so we are accurate there. I suppose in the world of alcohol, things are a lot more real. They are allowed to call their whiskey "Wisconson Whalin' Whiskey" and you can get away with "Slutmaker" brand tequila. So, if you aren't willing to enjoy a hard creamer, you probably shouldn't be drinking B2 brand Hard Creamer.

Bag O' Baby

At first glance, one might think:
This is a random grab bag containing at least one BABY!

In actuality it is:
A brand of baby clothing

Nothing would decrease the street value of babies faster than a company that can mass produce them and sell them at Sears and with the Indian and Chinese populations soaring to over 1 billion, the market for them is already pretty bad. Thankfully, this is just a poorly named product that sells accesories for baby. And no, not the funny kind like cigars and tommy guns, the regular kind, like bibs and "rompers" (what the fuck is a romper anyway?). It's not like new parents are very particular when it comes to buying products. So long as the baby is not employing "nakey time" when your single friends who like to rub having a life and adventure in your face are over, parents don't give a shit, so this could have been a multitude of names that didn't sound like a trench coat wearing man with a long mustache would be selling your product behind a dumpster. When the time in the dystopian future comes when our robot overlords have made us hyper aware of how great life is, we will have to sell and store our children in bags and we will look incredibly foolish for infringing on this products copyright.

-BLC

Non Sequitur Smiley

2009-01-31T14:16:00.004-05:00

OK, I have some time off to just goof around today, so I did some catching up on the world of internet media and I immediately had to post this as a NSS. It's...fuck... man... just watch Travis Pastrana nail a backflip on a little girls tricycle. Enough talk.

White girls with Seoul, long lost friends, and being broke

2009-01-31T00:08:00.003-05:00

Big ups to my friend Carole for being there for me these last few days and sitting and watching movies with me without complaining about my horrible halitosis. It's all I could ever want from a person. Anyway, I just learned that my friend is moving to Korea in March. Wild. This however totally means I am gonna play up the "we may as well try this whole boning each other thing because who knows when we will ever see each other again" angle with her. But she will probably respond with the "We better not cause if I like it, I will just be upset that I can't have it all the time" tried and true response. Women are smart like that. It makes us feel like we would be a good lay AND it allows them to not have sex with our ugly asses. Regardless, life has been wild for me, and I think we could use a few new links to make my readers happy happy.

	With this new device, you can know exactly how poorly you are doing in bed.
	If you ever questioned what you'd look like if you were Asian, here lies the answer
	All you have to do is not shoot the puppy.
	Here is a list of 12 actual college courses that exist despite all common sense dictating they shouldn't.
	Let's have a look at the internet's bitchin house party.
	In honor of the upcoming game, MSNs top Superbowl Commercials of all time