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October 22, 2010

Non Sequitur Smiley

Again, I just can't sit on certain things. Mother fuckin Spider-Man. In Japan. Yes. I'm just as disturbed as you.

September 28, 2010

Non Sequitur Smiley

What does it mean that I throw up one of these lil buggers every once and a while? It means I'm tryin', Doc. Tryin' real hard.Just so happens that I'm too busy and whenever I get an actual article together, I either can't put it together or it just kinda loses steam. Also, this is just to prove to all the women I am currently lying to about being a "nationally renowned writer" and "featured dick-joke columnist at a off kilter website" wrong. If they remember the name of this website after downing 2 to 4 of those GHB-52s they won't call me a liar. (side note: rape is never funny. Except clown rape, but that's a WHOLE other thing).

Anyway, amazing ad-libbing heightened by the snap editing. Highlights include: "Bitch, you strip all night." "There's some cool bitches at this muthafucka and check this out; they all got low self esteem" Classic. It's a damn video, so just watch and enjoy. Don't concern yourself with these words... penis.

September 21, 2010

Louis CK for FREE!!!!

Hey, loyals. Anyway, I have a RANDOM fan following me (feel free to stalk/murder me if you get a wild hair) and wanted to say what's up. Though he prolly just followed in a pretty off the wall state. If we can get to 10 followers, I'm throwin a pizza party, Be-LEE-Dat. Anyway, Couldn't sit around and wait for inspiration to NOT hit me for another second, so I give to you my favorite comedian, Louis CK. Did you miss Chewed Up? Yet to see his classic HBO comedy half hour? Well, be the first on your block to view Hilarious in it's entirety by giving a BS email to this site. Louis CK, everyone. For free. Tell me if it is good, cause I'm not gonna spoil his Oct 7th date for Indianapolis that I am going to.

July 31, 2010

Non Sequitur Smiley

My friend who is prone to getting me awesome birthday gifts got me a pretty awesome T-shirt for my birthday this year. A Beets Killer Tofu tour tee. I wore said shirt out to grab a drink and a man on the street got it. It kinda floored me. The 90's had a certain look and feel to them, dramatically different from the 00's. So, it's official, the 90's are now retro-chic. Not everything from the decade and not anything later than, say, 1995 (as of now), but just looking back at things from way back when, it is mindfreaking me.One of our worst fads given to the world in that era was the game of POGS (milk caps being the generic name). That craze was unrivaled and my friends and I, who try to stay away from fads because of how stupid you'll look down the road (in the case of POGS, two weeks later), even got in on that. My collection of random POGS is probably lying in the basement at my parents house somewhere. Anyway, the game sucked, but was everywhere for a while, including a Saturday morning cartoon, though, unless you were a kid of the 80's or 90's, you don't know what Saturday morning cartoons are about either. Thanks to Everythingisterrible.com for digging up this awfully hillarious gem. How many times can they say "Slammer" in a 1/2 hour show? Bitchin' intro song tho.

July 30, 2010


We interrupt your dailies for this mind melting little wikipedia gem. If you ever needed to know the exact details of the events of Warren G's song Regulators (Mount Up!!), then here ya go. Awesomeness.

July 28, 2010

5 Movies only good for one thing

Any leading lady in today's Hollywood scene would have you believe that she is a generation-spanning talent that has put in hard work and dragged herself from obscurity to superstardom by being hungry and by being patient. Those things that we common folk refer to as "luck" and "being a pretty face" have nothing to do with their rise to the top. And if you are Maggie Gyllenhaal, that is absolutely true.

Now, I'm not saying that these 5 ladies are any less talented because they took a fairly flimsy movie premise and squeezed out a thin excuse for them to sell sex and get paid more money than Steve Jobs has in his swimming pools. I'm just saying that these girls accepted roles in these movies knowing they were a few Powerpoint-style scene transitions away from late night Cinemax. These five movies are otherwise awful movies that have nothing else going for them besides the words "and then she sticks an ice cube down her pants and begins to simulate an orgasm" planted
somewhere in the script. Set your DVR, watch the best scene, turn the TV off, and move on with your life, cause the rest ain't worth it. Better yet, I've compiled them for you, so watch them here and then go kick a soccer ball around or something.

Powder Blue: Jessica Biel is a stripper

I again would like to point out to my hater friend (who insists that Miss Biel is a lesbian) that Jessica Biel is hot. She can be kind of "Plain Jane" in the sense that she doesn't stick with you like all the other girls, but c'mon. This girl is no rookie when it comes to milking her hotness, as evidenced by the completely unnecessary shower scene in Blade:Trinity. In Powder Blue, Biel once again flaunts her sexuality by taking a role as a stripper. Now, a movie in which the main character is a stripper wouldn't automatically make it a movie exclusively for 16 year olds boys (case in point: The Closer), but when it's basically a bunch of drama cliches laid on top of crotch shots, you can't really ignore it.

Havoc: Anne Hathaway is a bad grrl

Ok, I will have to start out by saying this movie ended up sorta working to Hataway's benefit. Havoc was a 2005 movie which was reviewed as "nothing that you haven't seen before. And better" (It's about rich kids being enamored with the fast life). Hathaway opted for this role as her career window was rapidly shutting, about to confine her to Disney fluff hell forever. Like most girls in this situation, she went waaay left field and landed a role where she shows some skin and pretends to have orgasms (which is any woman who's been din a relationship for more than 3 months. Amirite, fellas???). While she wasn't particularly mind blowing in the role, she was good enough to shed the image of just being the girl from The Princess Diaries. Too bad Hilary Duff wasn't able to do the same.

The House Bunny: Anna Faris is a Playboy bunny

There are plenty of reasons to hate on this movie. Most of which come from the fact that this is an Adam Sandler production. Overall, this flick is just another vehicle for an actress, capturing what Anna Faris does best: playing a rather ditzy piece of debateably stroke-worthy, debateably funny eye-candy. Those with a white-hot Faris obsession need look no further. This is just her running around in skimpy outfits with a scene of bare-assedness thrown in for good measure. Big ups to Faris for actually showing off her own ass (the double had "issues"). I respect comic actors that go the big for the sake of the joke.

Jennifer's Body: Pretty much Megan Fox is Hot: The Movie

At the time when the world was (is?) obsessed with Megan Fox, scripts, money, and giant teddy bears (presumably with maniacal stalkers housed within) were being thrown at her. At one point, she just gave in and did a movie that was nothing but gratuitous ass shots. Meh, not a big loss as Megan Fox is pretty much just another pretty face without a talented bone in her body. Everyboy (typo, but I'm leaving it) knew what was gonna go down in this one: Megan Fox as a cheerleader, Megan Fox make out scenes, Megan Fox in her underwear. However, throw in a nerdy Amanda Seyfried, who isn't opposed to doing getting down, in the mix and you get the hottest scene of the movie.

A Killer Inside Me: Casey Affleck gets to do naughty things to Jessica Alba

For the record, the good part occurs at 0:46 but there is a lot going on in this trailer. Jessica Alba gets punched around, Kate Hudson gets sexily choked out, Affleck puts out a cigar on a dude's hand, and quite a bit of boning. So, Casey Affleck aggressively spanking Jessica Alba (and her reveling in it, no less) is just the lettuce of this murder/insanity/aggressive fingering sandwich.

Oh so many omissions from this list. Most because the scenes occurred in good movies, former pop stars that were forced to do nude so they would at least show up on the third page of a Google search, and some not even worth it to see the actress you had a crush on when you were 17 gratuitously lather herself in a coed shower with no stalls (that's how it is in real life, right?)
I'm insane and otherwise finished...


July 26, 2010

New Music!!!

Ok, yeah, it's been a while. There's a story, but it's far too intense for this blog. Seriously, it's like doo-doo in the microwave... it just doesn't belong (Oh... no one around to get the extent of that joke).

I cannot stop playing this video entitled Round of Applause by the British DJs The Nextmen. It speaks for itself, so I am not gonna weigh it down with words. If you like it, dig on this one too. Feel free to prove me wrong, but I doubt you can find any of their albums stateside unless you are in a BIIIG market. Improving oneself takes a toll, so no writing till I get I get feeling back in my buttocks. Enjoy some music and later, bitches.